A couple days ago I posted what amounted to an imminent suicide post. Then went on to delete it. I've done this once or twice before and feel very bad about it.
Must seem like I'm playing around in some manipulative way to be attention-seeking like some wanker who needs to feel pitied to have a personality. I've encountered people like that and I DESPISE them.
The situation is I suffer from pretty bad PTSD, and also was diagnosed with major depression at age 12 after my first episode (lasting 6 months) . The consultant psychiatrist said they normally don't formally diagnose anyone with that until the person reaches maturity but my case was too clear-cut to withhold a diagnosis.
So basically it looks like my brain is constitutionally fucked (because I certainly had a wonderful happy childhood, the depression was endogenous). Then got more fucked with lots of shit added on top of that. And at regular intervals I seem to reach a breaking point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. This happens suddenly like a switch flicking ; there usually isn't any build-up (that I'm conscious of at any rate). I go from 'I might make myself a cup of tea' to 'I'm gonna slit my throat' in the space of 5 mins. The mood mostly passes as quick as it sets on, but while it lasts I'm in absolute hell and I have contemplated impulsive attempts at times. My strong survival instinct always kicks in and holds me back but I have overdosed and self-harmed several times when feeling overwhelmed like that.
I just felt I had to spell out the situation in case anyone here thinks I'm fucking around of attention-whoring (and I wouldn't even blame ya).
I feel deeply ashamed for blurting out all that shit that should've stayed in my own damn head. 'cause frankly, if I wasn't myself -? And read all that crap from someone else ESPECIALLY similar more than once -? Honestly I'd go ' oh quit faffing about and fishing for sympathy like some pathetic loser and just already top yourself like you keep whining you want to.'
