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Recovery The 2024 Recovery Thread

lecroute said:
For short periods in my life I wanted to be normal, too. Have up on that. Now I'm embracing who I am.

Take things with calm, it makes it easier. And never forget to see the beauty in many things, and the funny side in others.
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really Normal ???

got 2 go Fa now.
 
Freezing, scatterbrained, weak (couldn't even open a soda without putting an effort)
Think I'm getting a cold.
Guy who said he would build something for me never messaged back and isn't receiving messages at the moment.
People working too slow, making me wait and get stuck in MY work so I spend a whole day doing nothing but thinking about stuff that's no drama, really but seems a big deal when you have nothing else to occupy your mind with.
Like thinking about getting a cold.
 
I just had one of those scary deja vu's and it is freaking me out.

. . . like a time travel or something.

It was like this already happened before and now I am back again. It's so real this time.

Oh well. It happens it happens. Pun intended.
 
kiely said:
I just had one of those scary deja vu's and it is freaking me out.

. . . like a time travel or something.

It was like this already happened before and now I am back again. It's so real this time.

Oh well. It happens it happens. Pun intended.
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Yea I was having Deja vu all weekend too … during the crazy solar storm weekend
*yea it really does feel like time travel kind of doesn’t it
 
in beginning of the year i quit using amphetamine, then also the benzos for a while (actually just because i ran out of my stuff and haven't yet found ways to get it in another country i moved to). but now i find myself using tons of amphetamine, benzos and also kratom every fucking day, having horrible tolerance

today is a weekday, don't have to work so there's less excuse to use amphetamine, did it only a little, but craving it right now again. feels like i can't live a single fucking day without speed.

i came to using kratom every day for about several weeks, then quit and used it only occasionaly, but this week i used it each day. drinking it right now

even though life cirsumstances are much better now than in the past (hell i don't even know how i was able to survive in the past), it's not getting much easier

my BPD shit, anxiety, OCD and procrastination keep hitting randomly. and to cope with these, and stress and workload and living daily life, i need drugs, that's my excuse. that i NEED them, or my life will break apart. i need to use because otherwise it'll be worse, to get work done or i'll be fired from job, to appear positive and avoid emotional breakdowns and anxiety or i'll upset the person i love and my relationships will be lost. i need speed to wake up and work, need benzos to sleep

some small random thing upsets me, like feeling not being good enough or other person doing something that my BPD dislikes? alright now i can't focus on anything except suffering or procrastination and will skip night's sleep, unless i use.. or even if i use.

life feels like a constant crisis

it's crazy how much money i'm spending on this shit (1g of speed is >100$), how i'm risking my life and still magically avoiding being caught by law (i'm not in US btw, any drugs=prison here), how i ended up consuming tons and relying on so many substances just to cope with living, and how stupid it all is
 
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