Relapse Being sober isnt easy for me

[deathera34]

Ive been sober for 7 months from percocets and alcohol 10 months since i last used meth. I was addicted to opiates for years until 2010 i decided to get clean from booze and pils due to a ER visit then after I lost my grandfather in 2012 and a close friend from heroin overdose that same year i lost it i have not had to deal with loss growing up and it hit me hard. and the only ways of coping was to drown out my sorrow with pills and booze.

Two years later grandma passed away and that sent me further down this dark hole and ended up taking on buying pills from whoever had them along with smoke weed and drinking just to numb my brain so i didn't have to feel the pain of losing someone. On top of it all where i was living i was bullied by transient people who would visit the people in the nect apartment and drink and use drugs.

I also got bullied about my weight by Kaiser Permanente and a friend of my dad's for along time it go so bad i stopped eating and just used drugs and i cant help my anti psychotic medications made me gain weight and i was being treated like shit because i to them was "FAT". So I ended up becoming good friends with some guy and he introduced me to MEth! and i was using it weekly to loose that weight along with going to the gym i figured i cant do anything right and this is the only way to make others like and accept me but reality meth made me go bonkers staying up all night geeking out etc. i was losing weight cause i was not eating but i had to stop last year cause of a dream i had if i kept using this drug.

So now being sober from everything if a person says anything to me i will make their live a living hell and im good at that im not going to mold myself to others opinions and thoughts of me so after relapsing twice in a ten year time i hope this will be the last. If that individual in the family whose friends with my dad ever says anything he's leaving in a body bag i threatened this over a year ago he made me so sick of what he would call me cause of my weight.

Now i do suffer chornic pain and see a doctor for it but they treat you like an addict its not right it s the ones who use the system make it hard for us to get pain medication when needed. This whole stuff is bothersome.

but so far this is a tought journey i lost my last remaining grandfather in November 2016 and im not letting drugs come in the way of grieving not again. so this is a bit of my struggle with addiction its hard but can be worked on. Just tell yourself you can do it.8)

 

[jdfisse]

All pain is real. I will tell you this deathera. I love you. I know your pain through shared experience. It is possible to stay clean and to find a great joy that I never thought possible. It is possible to feel ok in my own skin. It is possible to find freedom from the feeling that the planet would be better off without me on it. I experience great joy and beauty every day. You are going to have plenty of people tell you that a 12 step program doesn't work. Nothing has remotely impacted or improved my life the way truly surrendering to the spiritual path outlined in the 12 steps has. There are fantastic functional restoration programs available to help individuals deal with chronic pain without the use of opiates. None of it is an overnight thing, but all of the work has made me appreciate it more.

 

[Nomasfent]

so much of what you say hits close to home with me ...I have been on fentanly for about 6 years now if I thought I could be on it forever I would but I feellike a junkie even though I get it from my doctor I am in the process of weaning off of it right now ...I have started gabapention and I pray it helps the pain or by some miricle I am healed ...I have to tell you a funny ( not so funny) ture thing when I first got sick well sick enough that I started going to the docs because I was ready to be diagnosed with something that was going to do me in ....so it goes like this oh I weighed 215 when I first went in and a non smoker or drinker no drugs other than ibuprofen and prilosec

I was told I was too fat that that why I could no longer swallow solid food ....turns out I had barrets esophagus precancer from GERD and my esophagus was scared almost shut went through a year of burning my esophagus to rid of the barrets then a operation to stop the stomach acids but now I am unable to vomit but so glad I had the operation ...

next doctor pulmoligist because I was having trouble breathing they said I have axiody, not breathing, issues UGHHH and put me on klonapin I was tested and discovered I have bad sleep apnea

next doc for lower back pain had MRI and said nothing wrong

next allergist to get tested for allergies because of sinus infections I am not allergie to anything on the skin test

off the the naturalpaths find out my adreanals are low and I am allergic to milk ((thats was all I was eating when I could not swallow (protien shakes and cereal ))) was adivsed to also cut out all carbs and sugar... I could not do that all the way... except the milk that was easy I felt better after I quit that ...

Then my shoulder started hurting had MRI said nothing maybe a little bone spur ( I felt like my arm was being cut off from the inside out ) had to get like 4 steroid injections in my shoulder that only made the pain worse finally orthopedic did surgery and I had a huge bone spur and it was cuttting my arm on the inside every time I moved it... yep duh.. I knew that !

so then I took up smoking again after my little brother died and I just said screw it, I figured I was just going to be dying soon anyways, I never felt good, basically bedridden

then to rhumatoligist still a fatty said I need to lose some weight but ...I find out I have arthritis and lupus fibro and a bulging disk in my back so off to another ortho the get the epidural shot in my back that did help a lot but if these people had listened to me 2 years earlier I probably would not have ended up on pain pills that didin't work so I ended up taking more than I was supposed to because I also care for a 3 year old and my older disabled son and my grandma for the last few months of her life 24/7 she had Alzheimer....Then I was put on the fentanly patch that really was working.... but now the DEA wants people off pain meds and diazopins so I started weaning the fentanyl by myself stating the 13 of this month



so I lost a bunch of weight down to 145 and the doc could not blame my weight any more and at my last endoscopy I was told to eat sourkrout and no fruits because I was having stomach pains but it was gas

so basically all that to tell you once you lose the weight and in my case quit smoking..... doc don't have anything to blame health issues on so just eat some sourkrout LOL

and no I am not eating that.... I can not stand the smell and I can not vomit so nope not going to do it I got me some gas ex LOL and I think I have figured out its sweet tea that bothers my tummy the tea part because I can drink rootbeer just fine ...

I totally understand the feeling like druggie I feel like that every time I go to the pharmacy and the doctors and in y case reading about so many people dying from fentanyl it messes with a persons mind for sure ...

Oh then we found out our home had toxic black mold and I believe that was a huge part of my downfall we live in it for 16 years and didn't even know

so now I am started on Gabapention and I hope I can make a post like yours someday to encourage others ....Reading things that I can relate to is so empowering that yes I can do this...I feel like you can too your a very strong person and thank you for your post I am very sorry about your losses its so hard to say goodbye to loved ones ...

 

[simco]

Hey, OP. Despite a couple relapses, it sounds like you're owning your recovery very well. Hell, anyone who can stand up to fuckers who want to step on their progress...that says a lot.

any thoughts on where you'll go from here, recovery-wise?