Yeah, I understand how you feel, it just becomes such a part of who you are....When I was 29 I was coming off a horrible habit, I had only started again right after turning 28 sometime back in '05, but within a year I was fully involved...I quit right before I turned 30 and swore that I just couldn't do it anymore! Right after turning 31 though, I had a good job and things were going well for me, so I ended up right back on dope, took my 19 year old girlfriend with me, and that habit lasted 4 years! So, I don't think it's really something you just "outgrow"....
I remember the bullshit I used to go through copping in the late '90s when I started....There was lots of dope around, but the whole thing was disorganized and crazy...Some people used phones, but it was mostly a matter of just showing up at certain spots...and these spots had all kinds of other people waiting, people looking to rip you off....The dealer's back then didn't really want you to know who they were, so who was even the dealer was hard to figure out sometimes! I got ripped of more in the first few years than at any point after that....
I used to always dream of having quick and easy connections with no hassle, and when then finally happened is when I just was able to dig a huge hole for myself....just me, my phone and running back and forth getting dope every day....that's what still feels normal to me...
I had a dream last night about copping dope...In the dream I buy a gram of this dope, it's beige...I put it in my pocket and I'm just rubbing in my hand thinking, "Wow, this a big one, it feels like at least 1.2! I opened the knot on the bag, I was driving the same car I had 4 years ago...I dumped out a big pile, and then I woke up like, "Man, I wanna get high!"