Mental Health Any men with experience of self harm? Thread is now open to people of any gender who experience self harm and need somewhere to discuss this.

[Eligiu]

you are upset with the way you feel about what others think about you.

your trying to punish your self as you think that this will make what you think about your self valid.

its all bullshit dude your cool and know if you do wrong and are more than capable of make amense for what you do.

time to stop thinking of suicide and thinking of genocide for you are a product of your environment and you are not solely responsible for your outcome.

so do you wish to commit patricide ?

didnt think so.

so why hurt your self because you wont hurt those who hurt you ?

a valid question and when you find the answer you will find a way to slowly move towards a solution.

life hurts bro

for all of us.

only by standing up and facing our pain will be get past it.

it does get better and to be honest the hardest thing is the demons in our own minds.

even they in time will be overcome.

I'm not upset with how others thing about me, my self harm is because I experienced extensive and prolonged abuse from the age of 7 to 27 and I blame myself for it because the perpetrator won't take responsibility for his actions. I punish myself because I think that the person responsible for the abuse deserves punishment because it isn't right that no one is punished for what happened to me. It isn't about making what I think about myself valid, it's because when I was a child I created a reality where I was to blame for what happened because if I blamed my father then I couldn't rely on him for safety because he would be a bad parent and that wasn't an option for me.

I have dreamt about inflicting violence upon him many times in very extensive ways but I find myself too afraid of the consequences of standing up to him to do anything about it.

The pain that I feel because of this actually physically hurts me, it isn't just emotional turmoil. It is real agonising pain that only goes away if I create pain in a different area or take substances to mask it. I have tried living my life without substances and resisting the urge to self harm and I usually make it around 6 months before something happens which is too difficult to deal with and the physical pain is so extreme that I need to do something to make it go away.

 

[Crash Override]

It's definitely one of those rarer moments where being trans pops up into my life again when otherwise I'd mostly forgotten about it due to how long I've transitioned for. I just can't shake that sense that it makes me less of a man, or that I really am a girl who is just super fucked up and made the wrong choice even though I've never been more comfortable, happier or confident in myself and my body and it just keeps getting better the longer that passes. I mean as of this year I can finally grow something resembling a full beard which is something that I have desperately wanted the moment I started testosterone, but also from when I was a teenager as well.

I started cutting when I was about 17. It was extremely superficial. I then gave myself a third degree burn which became infected as I wasn't old enough to have a Medicare card to see a doctor so I had to somehow (and somehow did) manage to uninfect it by treating it with silver dressings. Lucky. I cut myself a bit while I was living overseas in Germany for 8 months, and would stub out cigarettes on my hand and wrist.

When I got home from Germany I went from being able to moderate my drinking to being completely addicted to drugs again within a couple of weeks. I didn't even make it a week without using. I figured out while I was over there that my family situation was far from normal.

By March 2016 I'd run away from home and was homeless. No money except stuff I sold off while I tried to get approval for my student payments. My stupid country has a rule where you need to be 22 to be deemed financially independent from your parents and I was only 21. So I needed one of my parents at least to fill out an 'unreasonable to live at home' form which posed an issue because my parents actually had no issue with me going home, I just refused to. Unreal that even though I was literally sleeping under bridges and on the streets when I couldn't find a housesitting gig or crash at a friend's place and was getting buy with grant payments from the University that I wasn't deemed independent until I was almost 22. I started cutting in earnest during this time, multiple timea a day to the extent where my arms were completely covered in dozens of cuts in various stages of healing. This continued through to 2017 at the end of the year. When I went to rehab I continued cutting.

Through 2018-2020 I would cut myself on and ongoing nature when things became stressful, I felt a lot of shame about my childhood abuse, or I wanted to communicate with a friend that I needed them to ask how I was. There were occasions where I would again burn myself severely.

I'm sorry to hear that you were lumped in with the people who just did it as a phase. To be honest I do know some people who self harm out of edgyness and not emotional pain, like I have a friend who is my brothers best mate who uses drugs in a very self destructive way but his self harm is purely part of his goth aesthetic and not done for negative reasons. Be just brands himself and shit to prove he can do it.

There is probably merit in the arguement that anyone who is self harming has some kind of problem, but I've noticed that people who do it in very obvious areas very superficially often seem to have less problems than people who hide their self harm or do it very severely. Maybe it's because I don't actually like the attention I get from the self harm - I want the injury noticed so that a conversation can be had about why I did it and that is the intended focal point of the discussion, not the actual injury, that I find it difficult to handle the type of people who do self harm for attention because I do find it a bit manipulative having had it done to me before and also having had to deal with an incident we had which was ongoing with a member on the discord we had to dedicate endless time and energy to because the moment he felt he wasn't getting enough attention from other members he would threaten to cut himself in a very superficial way and that type of behaviour tends to wear very thin, eventually, especially when you're constantly telling them to avoid their triggers for doing it, distract themselves, do something new, go to therapy, and try medication but they're intent on engaging deliberately in activities they know trigger them to cut and snow no effort to make any change.

I long ago figured out that the best way to manage my self harm is not to tell myself I won't ever do it again, but rather just accept that it is likely and try to hold off as long as possible. Doing it this way results in me having far less cravings and not falling into a shame spiral when I do do it and repeating the behaviour more times due to the shame which is an undesirable outcome.

Do you count days or have a similar method to mine?

Apologies if this reply is a bit incoherent/random. I want to say self harming does not make you any less of a man. Anyone can self harm, absolutely anyone, regardless of gender. Everyone's reasons are different, everyone's experiences are different, every individual person is different. This is something I've had to learn and although gender has never been a factor for me really, it shouldn't be and isn't a part of it. The stereotype that cutting is only for women is wrong. I know guys that cut or have cut. I've been in hospital with many of them. it just doesn't get the same media coverage.

Congratulations on your beard - you might even have a better one than me. Sorry if that's weird to say! Hope you get what I mean.

Cutting can be manipulative. I've always hidden it, unless I've been physically unable to, like bleeding through clothing or when combined with drugs/alcohol that people can't help but notice. But yeah, it can easily be used as a threat or ultimatum, maybe as a cry for help, but equally I find people's reactions to it quite manipulative too, like "if you cut again I'm leaving" or saying how much it hurts other people/family. It's not a choice and it's not as clear cut as "don't do it because it hurts more people than just you" sort of thing.

I';ve found that some people do find a lot of drive in keeping count of how long they've been clean, but then when they fail they don't recognise that they haven;t actually failed or ruined a clean streak, but that it's been x months and only one incident, if that makes sense. I don't count. If it happens, it happens. I don't think I'll ever quit entirely. I probably could try harder sometimes not to give in to urges or find distractions or reach out instead of doing what is familiar or all those things we're supposed to do, but what I do know is that it has changed from being all the time as a kid to being rarer incidents nowadays. As messed up as it is it's how I cope and I think that is preferable to some worse ways of coping.

 

[Crash Override]

Personally I don't see anything about self harm being effeminate. Kinda like saying being suicidal is for women.

It isn't. More men commit suicide than women. Stereotypes are just fucked up

 

[VerbalTruist]

i read as a kid that nazi would pull peoples finger nails out with pliers and make them write letters...

going for long walks with freshly removed toe nails was my penance, and I think it taught me to accept and ignore physical pain.

Are you serious?

 

[assclass]

Are you serious?

yes. Im pretty sure, years ago, I would post high rez photos of bloody hairy toes on BL.

 

[Shady's Fox]

It isn't. More men commit suicide than women. Stereotypes are just fucked up

suicide is more common in small scandinav towns. North anyway.

 

[S.J.B.]

Only once, on a massive amount of benzos, after having recently been arrested, at the lowest point in my life. It sucks because it was one bad day but now I have really noticeable slash scars on my left forearm which will never go away.

 

[VerbalTruist]

yes. Im pretty sure, years ago, I would post high rez photos of bloody hairy toes on BL.

Wow. I did some pretty serious cutting as an adolescent bc of anxiety, but once I got my meds sorted out I haven’t done it since. I can’t imagine how painful it would be to pull a nail out of a digit and then use it as a means of penance or self-torture.

 

[Eligiu]

Apologies if this reply is a bit incoherent/random. I want to say self harming does not make you any less of a man. Anyone can self harm, absolutely anyone, regardless of gender. Everyone's reasons are different, everyone's experiences are different, every individual person is different. This is something I've had to learn and although gender has never been a factor for me really, it shouldn't be and isn't a part of it. The stereotype that cutting is only for women is wrong. I know guys that cut or have cut. I've been in hospital with many of them. it just doesn't get the same media coverage.

Congratulations on your beard - you might even have a better one than me. Sorry if that's weird to say! Hope you get what I mean.

Cutting can be manipulative. I've always hidden it, unless I've been physically unable to, like bleeding through clothing or when combined with drugs/alcohol that people can't help but notice. But yeah, it can easily be used as a threat or ultimatum, maybe as a cry for help, but equally I find people's reactions to it quite manipulative too, like "if you cut again I'm leaving" or saying how much it hurts other people/family. It's not a choice and it's not as clear cut as "don't do it because it hurts more people than just you" sort of thing.

I';ve found that some people do find a lot of drive in keeping count of how long they've been clean, but then when they fail they don't recognise that they haven;t actually failed or ruined a clean streak, but that it's been x months and only one incident, if that makes sense. I don't count. If it happens, it happens. I don't think I'll ever quit entirely. I probably could try harder sometimes not to give in to urges or find distractions or reach out instead of doing what is familiar or all those things we're supposed to do, but what I do know is that it has changed from being all the time as a kid to being rarer incidents nowadays. As messed up as it is it's how I cope and I think that is preferable to some worse ways of coping.

I appreciate you saying that. It's one of the big things I worry about when people see that I've self harmed.

My beard is okay lol, it's still a bit patchy in places but it's started to finally come through properly which is nice.

And yeah, cutting definitely can be manipulative, but like you said people do get equally as manipulative around trying to get people to stop doing it. I'd count myself lucky that none of my friends have ever really tried that with me (that I can remember) so they usually just ask what happened and we talk about that then they tell me to be nicer to myself.

 

[cinnamon-catboy]

I don't remember why exactly I started cutting myself but it was probably to distract myself if that would be the right word? like I'd have a ton of missing school work I had to finish, but instead of doing it I'd hurt myself because at least it's not school. now I usually do it for kinda the same reasons, but I also do it to feel like my problems matter. I guess I enjoy doing it, I don't do it to punish myself or anything, I do it to cope with school, dysphoria, bad memories, etc.
I don't cut that deep, whatever I can find in my family's medicine closet has been fine to bandage them and ive never had to get medical help or anything.
the only times I've been able to stop for a while was during breaks from school or because i dealt with my problems in other unhealthy ways. I don't really care about stopping, I just do sometimes????

 

[Crash Override]

And yeah, cutting definitely can be manipulative, but like you said people do get equally as manipulative around trying to get people to stop doing it. I'd count myself lucky that none of my friends have ever really tried that with me (that I can remember) so they usually just ask what happened and we talk about that then they tell me to be nicer to myself.

sounds like you've got some pretty decent mates there

 

[RUC4]

Hi, I have posted a bit about this before.

I have a long term issue with self harm which started in my late teens.

Technically I would also categorise my drug use as self harm as it is done for self punishment but in this case I'm talking solely about physical self harm.

I have punched walls and broken fingers several times.

I cut myself, although this is fairly superficial and has never resulted in needing any urgent medical attention. When I am drunk I am liable to cut deeper, out of carelessness.

I have a significant issue with burning. I have given myself a decent amount of severe full thickness burns requiring my attendance at the local hospital burns unit for treatment. They usually take 2-3 months to heal and require weekly dressing changes. This happens 2-3 times per year and can be triggered by something relatively minor. The problem with the extent to which I burn is that it doesn't actually hurt much - once you have reached the point of a full thickness burn, the nerve endings are all completely gone so you can't actually feel any pain.

Last weekend I burnt myself again. I made it almost a year this time without doing it. I'm really disappointed because this is the worst burn I've ever given myself. It's significantly larger than my previous ones, completely third degree (not second/third like some previous ones) and definitely worse. The burns unit gave me 5 free Acticoat (medical grade silver nitrate dressings you can wear for a week at a time and get wet) which cost $50 each. They said I can have the burn dressed at my GP clinic unless something goes wrong in which case I'll have to return to the burns unit.

What frustrates me is the reason I did it this time. I had to see my dad on the weekend (who I'm not on speaking terms with for a multitude of reasons) and was really triggered by that. Consequently, I wanted to talk to my GP about it when I saw him, but as is typical for me I don't feel able to bring up the conversation myself, for fear of being dismissed. Instead I fell into an old habit which developed with my friends over the past 5 years whereby I self harm in order to prompt someone to notice the injury, then ask about why I did it which then allows me to freely discuss it as needed. I'm finding this a very tough habit to break. My friends accidentally impliedly encouraged this behaviour because I was so unable to open up emotionally that it was somewhat permitted and even encouraged as a way of allowing me to communicate.

I understand deeply that it is maladaptive and it doesn't serve any positive purpose in my life, yet still I find myself falling back into old habits when under the pressure of wanting to talk about something important with someone close to me.

It isn't for attention, I hide it from people on a day to day basis (although I no longer hide my scars as I just cannot be bothered anymore and I've stopped caring about what people think). I don't want their sympathy or anything. It's specifically done so they'll ask about what happened to cause it.

Are there any other men in here who have struggled with self harm? What reasons did you engage in it for? How were you able to stop?

Is this solely a conversation for men? I’ve been dealing with this issue a lot lately and would like to be in this discussion.

 

[deficiT]

I struggled with cutting myself pretty badly when I was younger. This eventually snowballed into other self destructive behaviors such as heavy drug use, overindulging in IV use, heavy drinking while combining with benzos, and destroying relationships with impulsive behavior and general shittiness.

Once I got into drugs I kind of gave up on the cutting and self harm, as it simply didn't give me the relief I desired and only caused me pain which I wasn't really all that interested in after a time.

Is this solely a conversation for men? I’ve been dealing with this issue a lot lately and would like to be in this discussion.

My guess is that the thread was posted since this is a conversation that men rarely have openly, but I doubt OP would mind if you posted about your personal struggles. I know I wouldn't.

 

[RUC4]

I struggled with cutting myself pretty badly when I was younger. This eventually snowballed into other self destructive behaviors such as heavy drug use, overindulging in IV use, heavy drinking while combining with benzos, and destroying relationships with impulsive behavior and general shittiness.

Once I got into drugs I kind of gave up on the cutting and self harm, as it simply didn't give me the relief I desired and only caused me pain which I wasn't really all that interested in after a time.


My guess is that the thread was posted since this is a conversation that men rarely have openly, but I doubt OP would mind if you posted about your personal struggles. I know I wouldn't.

Thanks @deficiT

 

[RUC4]

well, I never thought of picking at my toenails or pulling them off as self harm, and I never thought of punching my legs as self harm either. so, although I thought this was a recent issue, looking back, I've been struggling with it on and off for a long time. I always thought of self harm as being cutting, honestly.

when I was in my mid to late teens is when it started. then it popped up again during stressful times. I was in a 12 year abusive relationship with someone to is borderline and bipolar. I'm still trying to recover from all the gas lighting (8 years after we have gone our separate ways) because I've had to maintain contact with her because we share a child. it's been years and years since I've picked or punched myself.

over the last few weeks, it has started up again. along with checking the locks on the front door SEVERAL times, over and over. and some other OCD-ish behaviors. I've recently gotten on an SSRI, but since starting it, another really stressful thing has happened. long story but my child has lied to my ex and a family friend. I don't know what all was said. but I know the only thing I've aware of is a lie about the night I went to the Van Gogh immersive (which is fucking amazing. if you can go, GO) with my child and gf and ex MIL. apparently the story that was told to my family friend is that I was wasted and passed out in the parking lot. and apparently this was 'just the beginning' and my child is unhappy living with me. I stopped drinking heavily about a year and a half ago. I had 2 beers that night and was not driving. there were 2 other adults there to watch over my child even if I was shit faced. my child is 12 btw, doesn't really need too much watching. but I wasn't shit faced. I had 2 beers.

long story short the child has lied before. she told almost the same lie to my gf's childhood friend who came to visit when I wouldn't allow the child to stay for dinner. (btw, I'm saying my child because they prefer they/them pronouns atm. saying daughter or son wouldn't work) I said no to staying for dinner and the child proceeded to cry and hyperventilate and refused to get in the car with my gf to come home, as I had asked them to. I wasn't there. I wasn't feeling well and stayed home. the child then lied saying I'm an abusive drunk and I don't let them go anywhere. I abuse them when no one is home. and that I've been passed out drunk before and they tried to wake me to make them dinner, but I wouldn't get it. which, NONE of this is true. my gf's friend was concerned and still doesn't believe that the child lied. they are VERY believable. after the incident with the friend, I sought out a psychiatrist for them and they have been taking meds for almost 2 months.

it's kind of like when they don't get their way, they make up lies to cause trouble. and I really don't understand this since the truth is quite the opposite. having their other mother be mentally ill and never holding a job, I've been the primary care-giver their whole life and I have no idea why they would do this.

but anyway, they went to visit their other mom for the summer and their other mom sent them to live with a family friend over 1000 miles away and won't let me talk to them. they have blocked my number. apparently the other mother didn't feel like they should be back with me, since I clearly can't take care of them, and also recognized she can't take care of them either, since she lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with her father and bf and newborn baby. (yes, she had another one.)
...and now the family friend is involved and believes this story. I feel like it's the ultimate gas lighting. my own child is lying and betraying me and everyone is attacking me. and I'm not the bad guy here.

so I've recently been picking at my nails until they bleed horribly. I've torn off all my toe nails. and Idk why I've hit myself in the leg and foot with the tv remote causing bruising. I don't know why I'm doing this.

I know this is a lot of back story and I'm sorry for that. I guess I'm looking for support. I have a therapist and I have a psychiatrist, but....idk. I feel embarrassed about it. and don't wanna tell anyone. I told my gf and she's concerned which isn't really helping.

 

[Eligiu]

Is this solely a conversation for men? I’ve been dealing with this issue a lot lately and would like to be in this discussion.

The thread was initiallyintended to open conversation about self harm amongst men to sort of start people contributing but given the distinct lack of more threads about this topic there's no reason why you should be excluded, and I don't think it's necessary for another thread to be started for woman. The purpose of the thread has been achieved at this stage so as far as I'm concerned anyone can contribute.

The only thing I would ask you ensure you do (which from a quick read of your longer post where you shared some experiences you did anyway so this is just to reiterate again to whoever may read it as an opportunity to restate it) is that you keep your discussion to the specific topic of *physical* self harm. Cutting, burning, punching, pulling off toenails, scratching, picking, whatever.

I'm specifically excluding reference to self harm as drug use in this topic as that behaviour (while common) is nowhere near as uncommon and stigmatized as physical self harm.

And upon reflection, while I did start this post because I wanted to hear other men talk about how they're affected by the preconceived notion that self harm is a 'teenage girl behaviour' I realise that you as an adult woman are also negatively impacted by this belief and probably want somewhere to talk about it, if only effected in marginally different way. For me, it's because it specifically causes gender dysphoria and I worry that I'm less of a man because of it, other men have talked about how they were too embarrassed to talk to people about it for the same reasons.

Whatever way it's affected you, if you wanted to talk about that in here feel free because I would not want to limit you from using a thread which may be of some actual benefit to you because this is not a commonly discussed issue on the forum. I've made a few threads on it and this is the only one so far which has gained any traction so It would feel like a dick move to tell you to go start another one especially after 3 pages of guys have shared their experience and I've personally got what I needed from it so if it serves a purpose for anyone else now even if it splits off from its original purpose that is what I'd prefer.

I'm not here to stop someone who needs to talk about something as hard to discuss as self harm from engaging in a topic just because I started it for a different reason or we've clashed in the past.

If it helps, then I'm happy it helped and I hope you get what you're looking for in here as well.

 

[Eligiu]

well, I never thought of picking at my toenails or pulling them off as self harm, and I never thought of punching my legs as self harm either. so, although I thought this was a recent issue, looking back, I've been struggling with it on and off for a long time. I always thought of self harm as being cutting, honestly.

when I was in my mid to late teens is when it started. then it popped up again during stressful times. I was in a 12 year abusive relationship with someone to is borderline and bipolar. I'm still trying to recover from all the gas lighting (8 years after we have gone our separate ways) because I've had to maintain contact with her because we share a child. it's been years and years since I've picked or punched myself.

over the last few weeks, it has started up again. along with checking the locks on the front door SEVERAL times, over and over. and some other OCD-ish behaviors. I've recently gotten on an SSRI, but since starting it, another really stressful thing has happened. long story but my child has lied to my ex and a family friend. I don't know what all was said. but I know the only thing I've aware of is a lie about the night I went to the Van Gogh immersive (which is fucking amazing. if you can go, GO) with my child and gf and ex MIL. apparently the story that was told to my family friend is that I was wasted and passed out in the parking lot. and apparently this was 'just the beginning' and my child is unhappy living with me. I stopped drinking heavily about a year and a half ago. I had 2 beers that night and was not driving. there were 2 other adults there to watch over my child even if I was shit faced. my child is 12 btw, doesn't really need too much watching. but I wasn't shit faced. I had 2 beers.

long story short the child has lied before. she told almost the same lie to my gf's childhood friend who came to visit when I wouldn't allow the child to stay for dinner. (btw, I'm saying my child because they prefer they/them pronouns atm. saying daughter or son wouldn't work) I said no to staying for dinner and the child proceeded to cry and hyperventilate and refused to get in the car with my gf to come home, as I had asked them to. I wasn't there. I wasn't feeling well and stayed home. the child then lied saying I'm an abusive drunk and I don't let them go anywhere. I abuse them when no one is home. and that I've been passed out drunk before and they tried to wake me to make them dinner, but I wouldn't get it. which, NONE of this is true. my gf's friend was concerned and still doesn't believe that the child lied. they are VERY believable. after the incident with the friend, I sought out a psychiatrist for them and they have been taking meds for almost 2 months.

it's kind of like when they don't get their way, they make up lies to cause trouble. and I really don't understand this since the truth is quite the opposite. having their other mother be mentally ill and never holding a job, I've been the primary care-giver their whole life and I have no idea why they would do this.

but anyway, they went to visit their other mom for the summer and their other mom sent them to live with a family friend over 1000 miles away and won't let me talk to them. they have blocked my number. apparently the other mother didn't feel like they should be back with me, since I clearly can't take care of them, and also recognized she can't take care of them either, since she lives in a 1 bedroom apartment with her father and bf and newborn baby. (yes, she had another one.)
...and now the family friend is involved and believes this story. I feel like it's the ultimate gas lighting. my own child is lying and betraying me and everyone is attacking me. and I'm not the bad guy here.

so I've recently been picking at my nails until they bleed horribly. I've torn off all my toe nails. and Idk why I've hit myself in the leg and foot with the tv remote causing bruising. I don't know why I'm doing this.

I know this is a lot of back story and I'm sorry for that. I guess I'm looking for support. I have a therapist and I have a psychiatrist, but....idk. I feel embarrassed about it. and don't wanna tell anyone. I told my gf and she's concerned which isn't really helping.

My autism psychologist is useful regarding my self harm. My trauma psychologist less so. Autism one gives me strategies so that next time I'm in a position I want to self harm to be able to talk to someone about how I feel, I try just saying 'i want to talk about how I'm feeling' instead.

Trauma one is just like 'i mean you have your reasons for doing it' and I'm like 'yeah I do, but I want to not so can you please offer some suggestions?'

In my experience, professional help with self harm is generally very lacking. A lot of professionals don't want to go near it, and if you end up in the ER like I have they'll try and slap a BPD label on you faster than you can blink (however I got 'adjustment disorder' purely for being male instead of female last time when I demanded they put me in the short stay ward for a week and said if they sent me home in the state I was in I'd be back with a full thickness third degree burn that same day, which quickly got their attention very rapidly). So it sort of goes unaddressed. They might suggest some tricks some people use, like drawing on your wrist with red marker, holding ice cubes, snapping a rubber band against your wrist, but I've honestly never really found those strategies particularly helpful.

My only initial piece of advice would be figuring out and understanding *your personal* reason(s) for self harm. Mine are as previously mentioned in the thread and they might swap depending on the circumstances. Doing that, means that you can often identify situations which will trigger you and act to avoid them or try to minimise the damage.

And I mean really, really think deeply about the reasoning. Like for me at the moment it's 'i want to punish myself because I'm not in contact with my dad and he is hurt by that which means I'm hurting him and hurting people is bad so that means I am a bad person' and it's a very deeply held belief.

Before it was 'i need to punish myself because the abuse was my fault because he won't take responsibility for any of it and it was so bad that someone needs to take responsibility and if he won't that means it's me, so therefore I am a bad person because it was my fault'

Same basic premise, different scenarios.

Other than that I can't really offer any good advice. If you want to just use this thread to write about your experiences or chat with others in here then go ahead and maybe you'll find something of further use. I haven't seen many other self harm threads have this many responses so I may even change the title at this point to make it non exclusive as the initial reason for posting it has been fulfilled.

 

[lonelyDude]

I'm not upset with how others thing about me, my self harm is because I experienced extensive and prolonged abuse from the age of 7 to 27 and I blame myself for it because the perpetrator won't take responsibility for his actions. I punish myself because I think that the person responsible for the abuse deserves punishment because it isn't right that no one is punished for what happened to me. It isn't about making what I think about myself valid, it's because when I was a child I created a reality where I was to blame for what happened because if I blamed my father then I couldn't rely on him for safety because he would be a bad parent and that wasn't an option for me.

I have dreamt about inflicting violence upon him many times in very extensive ways but I find myself too afraid of the consequences of standing up to him to do anything about it.

The pain that I feel because of this actually physically hurts me, it isn't just emotional turmoil. It is real agonising pain that only goes away if I create pain in a different area or take substances to mask it. I have tried living my life without substances and resisting the urge to self harm and I usually make it around 6 months before something happens which is too difficult to deal with and the physical pain is so extreme that I need to do something to make it go away.

sometimes the only way out is through the fire.

sometimes escape is not an option and we just have to feel the pain.

every time you shy from something you remap the brain to continue to do so.

hence the repeated abuse you cause your self.

as with most things habituated the only way to stop is to stop and face the fire.

as I have recently learnt it matters not what others take responsibility for but rather what you or I take responsibility for.

the past though real to the mind is not real it is the past.

like an addiction even though you may stop it will take time for your mind to realign to what you wish it to be.

depending on how long you have convinced your self this you could be waiting for normalisation for quite some time.

but if you dont make the steps this will only elongate just as heroin addiction does.

many who gamble or take drugs have the same problem and ive served time with many abuse victums.

its never easy for any of them but the ones who find help and push through the trained actions eventually base line.

there is some truth in the there is a Buddha in all of us.

but only through disciplined thought and motivation will we find it.

so my question would be how do I discipline my thoughts and who should I have on my side to help me when I fall.

this you will have to find your self as often its the idea that we create our selves that we will full fill.

having done a long period in solitary I can say your mind can readjust to almost anything (though make sure you have help as some people can

give them selves ptsd trying to tough out the fire as they walk through there past.)

good luck no one should be abused at that age (my self included)

 

[Higherfocus420]

For me ive self harmed in the past when I'm ashamed and guilty about something I've done or behaved it's a form of self hate

 

[lonelyDude]

For me ive self harmed in the past when I'm ashamed and guilty about something I've done or behaved it's a form of self hate

there have only been two reasons I have harmed my self though I think it would be different for others.

to punish my self so as not to do something again (which often does the exact opposite as I have tied the memory with pain which is a strong feeling)

because I was a little shit and could not get my way and hoped those I wanted to do what I want would feel sorry for me.

both of these though not healthy are easy fixes.

when someone is using harm like a drug to cover the pain with more pain as a distraction well thats another story altogether and really needs professional help I think.

please never think something is wrong with you if this happens just know you are special and worth saving and please get help.