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Do you think its wrong to hold grudges?

M

MuertaMan

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2023
Messages
226
I can let petty things roll off my back but when it comes to something serious I feel like I can never let it go. For example several years ago I was at home I had a package of phenazepam I had just received and started dipping into it, of course i kept forgetting how much I took and all I remember was I kept licking little bits off my finger and was doing a few bumps off my directtv receiver and long story short I time traveled from that friday morning to finally coming out of a black out in jail on a Monday night. I lived alone and I never remembered even leaving my house so I did not have any clue how the fuck I got picked up by the cops and taken to jail, I thought for sure some mistake was going on and I got my phone call and was given the details about what went down. Apparently I was high on a phenaz binge and my brother showed up to my place uninvited on Saturday and he was "scared" of the condition he found me in. Now my brother is a giant pussy who knows absolutely nothing about being high on anything other than weed and had the nerve to come into my house and proceed to babysit me for that entire day which I still dont remember but I would guess I probably just reluctantly let him come in and figured we were just hanging out but what I didn't know was he called my entire family and made them drive 3 fucking hours down to my house and heres where i start to remember bits and pieces.

I must have passed out on my couch and all of a sudden Im violently rustled awake with my father standing over me and my mother both demanding "wheres the shit where the fuck is whatever you took" blah blah and I honestly didn't know what was happening they were literally rifling through my pants pockets while Im wearing them and restraining me and then I hear "check his underwear I bet he shoved it down there" and my fucking father and mother are shoving or at least trying to shove their fucking hand down my crotch to "get the drugs" as if that is in any way fucking appropriate and I guess I lost it and me and my dad started going at it over that I ended up on top of him with him in a headlock just to subdue him and keep him the fuck off me and not violating my space like they were and good ole big brother who started all of this decides to head to the other room call the police and tell them Im trying to strangle my father to death.

So thats what i ended up in jail for, I got a battery charge for defending myself, even my parents pleaded at court to try and get it thrown out because they knew what happened was bullshit and at most I maybe should go to treatment but what was done was done and charged me and I had 3 years of probation, almost 2,000$ in fines and a permanent mark on my record. My family thinks Im wrong for telling said brother to basically get fucked after all these years and treating him as if hes dead to me and there were times Id let my guard down at the holidays and kind of talk to him again but I just can't get past the seething hatred that boils up when I think back to that day and what happened. TO make it worse stayed in jail for weeks before I got bond and they didnt give me my subutex so I had to withdrawal in a cell the whole time. My brother has never faced any kind of adversity in his life or what kind of misery jail is even without withdrawal let alone with it so I just can't seem to ever forgive him. Even typing all this up brings all the same anger back. Would you be able to forgive that? Could you override your anger and try to understand he "was scared for my safety" or would you feel indifferent no matter what the excuse? I really think I will go to my grave holding this grudge I dont give a fuck if we are family you don't pull some back handed shit like that, I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want behind closed doors at my own place and him just showing up like that and sticking his nose into my life and causing so much bulllshit makes it even worse.
 
Holding grudges is only self defeating, friend, and can lead to a myriad of life issues both physical and mental. It will only hold you back from becoming who and what you are in essence.
This is just an opinion from experiences so take it for what it is worth.
If one is not part of the solution one is the problem.
By no means do I say this in a judgemental or holier-than-thou point of view.
I hope we can all get past real or perceived "wrongs" and make the world a more caring and sustainable place of acceptance and tolerance.
My best to you and yours.
Peace
 
He's your brother - so you should give him a break - if this is the only wrong thing he's done to you in your life, then yea you should let it go - it may be there's more to your feelings about him than this one incident so idk about that

and technically, this is your fault - that's what happens when you over-do-it and black out - sometimes you end up in jail - so you should blame it on yourself more than anybody else - and once you figure out how to take the blame, im sure it'll be easier for you to forgive your brother - because it's really your fault - nobody else's

and im a professional when it comes to grudges :)

so that's my advice and i'll leave it at that
 
I hear ya and thats kind of what I keep echoing in my head that hes my brother and I should remember you only have one family but hes just so arrogant and picks at me because of how I dress, how Iook, the music I like everything. A recent one that comes to mind is I had a crown that was covering one of my very front top teeth break into pieces recently and I didn't have 1,200$ to cover it right away so I had to go without a front tooth for like 2 months and he said to me unprovoked "hey when are you gonna get that fixed cuz I dont want to bring my new girlfriend around to meet you because its kind of an embarrassment until you get that fixed" and I wanted to punch him in his smug fucking face.
 
Its not ‘wrong’ but it is very unhealthy, you’re only likely to hurt yourself with that shit.

It would suggest it might be really beneficial for you to look at your own actions and consider how you feel about them instead of being resentful over others’ behaviour. Have you considered that from the outside the situation you described looked like this:

You dangerously od on drugs incapacitating yourself….your brother who presumably loves you and cares for you finds you in this state….he is disturbed by the situation in which he finds you and is scared for your well being…he takes his own time to care for you…he calls for help from more people….these people then also take their own time to care for you and try to help for you…they try to find the substance you have OD’d on and confiscate it to stop you harming yourself more with it…..you react by violently attacking them….


Now I’m not saying they handled the situation perfectly, but I think it’s fair to say that your behaviour was not perfect either. I would struggle to reconcile my feelings if my family had got the police involved in that sort of situation also but I would be trying to look at my part in what had happened and take accountability for that.
 
MuertaMan said:
I hear ya and thats kind of what I keep echoing in my head that hes my brother and I should remember you only have one family but hes just so arrogant and picks at me because of how I dress, how Iook, the music I like everything. A recent one that comes to mind is I had a crown that was covering one of my very front top teeth break into pieces recently and I didn't have 1,200$ to cover it right away so I had to go without a front tooth for like 2 months and he said to me unprovoked "hey when are you gonna get that fixed cuz I dont want to bring my new girlfriend around to meet you because its kind of an embarrassment until you get that fixed" and I wanted to punch him in his smug fucking face.
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Ok well he sounds like a prick

so there's more to it...you don't like him for a few reasons, then you should probably limit your contact with him for now - I'm thinking you guys are kinda young? If that's the case, maybe he's got more growing up to do? Maybe he'll stop being such a prick as time goes on?
 
No. For example, Im in highschool. A friend comes over telling me one of her tenants is saying that im a lousy druggy xyz. Well recently she got popped for meth and yea i blew it up on fb as well as letting her know why. You dragged my name through the mud on a rumor, this is just factual.

I will give a flipside of the coin example. I could have had a young man (just turning 18) thrown in prison for habitual B&E's. I did not, I didn't want an 18 year old in max security real deal prison. (he's a rich little punk snitch who has no neeed to steal). Well now decades later he has began to cause me problems again. Should have banked him away probably.

This is family. It takes a real special kind of person to be able to seperate the emotion of a brother from the cold facts of the/this world. My advice is to let it go as much as possible; he is your brother.
 
Mr. Krinkle said:
Ok well he sounds like a prick

so there's more to it...you don't like him for a few reasons, then you should probably limit your contact with him for now - I'm thinking you guys are kinda young? If that's the case, maybe he's got more growing up to do? Maybe he'll stop being such a prick as time goes on?
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I wish we were younger but Im 37 and hes 42 haha
 
MuertaMan said:
I wish we were younger but Im 37 and hes 42 haha
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THECATINTHEHAT said:
Its not ‘wrong’ but it is very unhealthy, you’re only likely to hurt yourself with that shit.

It would suggest it might be really beneficial for you to look at your own actions and consider how you feel about them instead of being resentful over others’ behaviour. Have you considered that from the outside the situation you described looked like this:

You dangerously od on drugs incapacitating yourself….your brother who presumably loves you and cares for you finds you in this state….he is disturbed by the situation in which he finds you and is scared for your well being…he takes his own time to care for you…he calls for help from more people….these people then also take their own time to care for you and try to help for you…they try to find the substance you have OD’d on and confiscate it to stop you harming yourself more with it…..you react by violently attacking them….


Now I’m not saying they handled the situation perfectly, but I think it’s fair to say that your behaviour was not perfect either. I would struggle to reconcile my feelings if my family had got the police involved in that sort of situation also but I would be trying to look at my part in what had happened and take accountability for that.
Click to expand...
While that may be true Im sorry I dont get behind "violently attacking", first off I didn't even know where my drugs were I had misplaced them so I dont really subscribe to the idea that your allowed to jiggle someones dick around with your hand because "they might have drugs in their crotch". You think Id go around fingering my mom if I thought she had stashed drugs in her pussy? I think not.......
 
Like I said, sometimes it can be beneficial to look at our own part in situations and not always bring it back to what the other person did. From the way you described it you violently attacked them, the fact that their behaviour which preceded this might have been unreasonable doesn’t change that fact of what you did. You probably could have handled it in a way that wasn’t violent.

Just a suggestion anyway, I’m certainly not trying to apportion blame in either direction.
 
God that's a horror story. I've had similar things happen to me. I would be absolutely furious, too.

But also @THECATINTHEHAT has a point as well. Ultimately you got yourself into that situation.

But grudges are very toxic and unproductive. Dwelling on them only ends up hurting you, not them. I don't know what your broader relationship with your family is, but it's best to just forgive them or cut them off and move on.
 
I think it totally depends on what the person did & how much that person means to you.
I've had my sister put me in jail for "harassment" in my own house (I paid rent there & she didn't) in my early 20's.
I was able to forgive her after awhile though because she's my sister.

You don't always have to forgive or forget either, but holding grudges can be toxic to yourself & most of the time does nothing to the person you have the grudge against.
 
Listen to Tool, the song "The Grudge".

You can wear that grudge like a crown..and it will consume you til you choose to let this go.
 
No, memory is what keeps you safe. If someone has fucked me over several times, you bet your ass I'm sore about it years later. Ask my sister , I have nothing to say to her.
People that tried to set me up fuck you too.
People I tried to help who stole from me
Ex employees that quit with no notice, I threw your w2 away
I have an x that used me as a bank
Had a friend that used to always talk down to me , I just quit talking to him

Everyone else gets a pass. Grudges are reserved for those who specifically got close to me for the sole purpose of using my good nature .
 
MuertaMan said:
I can let petty things roll off my back but when it comes to something serious I feel like I can never let it go. For example several years ago I was at home I had a package of phenazepam I had just received and started dipping into it, of course i kept forgetting how much I took and all I remember was I kept licking little bits off my finger and was doing a few bumps off my directtv receiver and long story short I time traveled from that friday morning to finally coming out of a black out in jail on a Monday night. I lived alone and I never remembered even leaving my house so I did not have any clue how the fuck I got picked up by the cops and taken to jail, I thought for sure some mistake was going on and I got my phone call and was given the details about what went down. Apparently I was high on a phenaz binge and my brother showed up to my place uninvited on Saturday and he was "scared" of the condition he found me in. Now my brother is a giant pussy who knows absolutely nothing about being high on anything other than weed and had the nerve to come into my house and proceed to babysit me for that entire day which I still dont remember but I would guess I probably just reluctantly let him come in and figured we were just hanging out but what I didn't know was he called my entire family and made them drive 3 fucking hours down to my house and heres where i start to remember bits and pieces.

I must have passed out on my couch and all of a sudden Im violently rustled awake with my father standing over me and my mother both demanding "wheres the shit where the fuck is whatever you took" blah blah and I honestly didn't know what was happening they were literally rifling through my pants pockets while Im wearing them and restraining me and then I hear "check his underwear I bet he shoved it down there" and my fucking father and mother are shoving or at least trying to shove their fucking hand down my crotch to "get the drugs" as if that is in any way fucking appropriate and I guess I lost it and me and my dad started going at it over that I ended up on top of him with him in a headlock just to subdue him and keep him the fuck off me and not violating my space like they were and good ole big brother who started all of this decides to head to the other room call the police and tell them Im trying to strangle my father to death.

So thats what i ended up in jail for, I got a battery charge for defending myself, even my parents pleaded at court to try and get it thrown out because they knew what happened was bullshit and at most I maybe should go to treatment but what was done was done and charged me and I had 3 years of probation, almost 2,000$ in fines and a permanent mark on my record. My family thinks Im wrong for telling said brother to basically get fucked after all these years and treating him as if hes dead to me and there were times Id let my guard down at the holidays and kind of talk to him again but I just can't get past the seething hatred that boils up when I think back to that day and what happened. TO make it worse stayed in jail for weeks before I got bond and they didnt give me my subutex so I had to withdrawal in a cell the whole time. My brother has never faced any kind of adversity in his life or what kind of misery jail is even without withdrawal let alone with it so I just can't seem to ever forgive him. Even typing all this up brings all the same anger back. Would you be able to forgive that? Could you override your anger and try to understand he "was scared for my safety" or would you feel indifferent no matter what the excuse? I really think I will go to my grave holding this grudge I dont give a fuck if we are family you don't pull some back handed shit like that, I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want behind closed doors at my own place and him just showing up like that and sticking his nose into my life and causing so much bulllshit makes it even worse.
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I did when I was young, probably one reason I became a crotchety old hippie, but I learned that hold anything for a length of time and it gets heavy… I just walk away and never look back
 
He must love you your family drove 3 hour . GNR song coma when bell stops ringing its nobody fault but your own your family did it the wrong way but they give a shit
 
Its contextual. Depends.

Generally speaking, holding grudges is shit

But lets say someone has borrowed thousands and never returned it ... or ripped u off etc etc
then yeah hold a fkn grudge

so it depends not he situation

but if its minor shit it's pointless. Negative energy
 
Hmm, I think it would be wrong to say its wrong. Unnecessary and pointless usually, often moronic too. Weak people see value in weak people things, One can only find strength by not swimming but surfin on the waves.
 
Well, the family sounds dangerously indoctrinated and abusive reading all this, so holding a grudge in conjunction with good measure of distance seems just perfect way to stay out of trouble, if one does not mind losing connection to family*.

*So yeah ok it is not perfect way.
 
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