Support Health Issues forced me to explore addictive options (ket and benzos) to survive. Off Ket since sept. Benzos are more complex.

[ShastaSam83]

Hi, I used Bluelight back in the day, but have come back to seek advice.
Bascially I have Mast Cell Activation Syndome (makes you allergic to everything) that was getting so bad it was going to put me and my disabled mom and sister on the street, and me in an institution of some sort where they know noting about the condition, and would likely make it a very slow painful death,

I had been sober 5 years, and decided to try self treating with ketamine after reading some info that it it is a Mast Cell Stablilizer. I was down to 4 foods I could eat and couldnt leave the house due to scents, and still would get moderate to severe anaphylaxis from things I couldn't control often, despite having spent the last ten years working with regular and functional MD's, spending my life savings, and running a medical fundraiser to try to keep going.

The Ketamine was a last resort, shot in the dark, but it surprisingly helped quite a bit, and I was able to hold down a part time job, and possibly in conjunction with some other odd therapies I'll hold off on mentioning here, after 10 years, I am in full remission. I quite the Ketamine after a year (up to 2G a day intranasal) cold turkey, but had started using benzos (etizolam) once a week or so, sometimes more to deal with the the mood swings, and bout of HPPD I am prone to (doctor like to call them 'abnormal audio perceptions'.. but it suddenly feels like I'm immersed in hell and a little benzo would bring me right out).

When I cold turkeyd the K in Sept, I tried to cold turkey the benzos, several days in, and noticed the usual rebound anxiety, but it kept getting worse and worse. And even with Clonadine and tons of herbal and nutritional supplements (apigenin, lemon balm, magnesium, magnolia bark, a special reishi, etc).

The bars I was getting were sold as 'alp' .. but from further research I suspect they were a mix of flualprazolam and and bromazolam .. 3-4 mg possibly.

At first I was taking 9 a day.. 3 in the am, 3 in the afternoon, and 3 before bed.

But I still felt achy and exhausted - the someone gave me a ritalin - and everything felt better. I ended up doing dirty adderall for a month or so before I got cut off due to various issues. But I weaned off of those and after a few days sleep I was fine. No lasting K wd's, no cravings for stims. Just the benzos still staring me in the face.

I got down to 1 a day, then 1/2 a bar a day. Did a couple 1/4 days.
Spoke with my doctor about it extensively, but since none of it was coming up as official benzos in testing, there wasn't much they could do. I tried a rapid diazepam taper early on and it didn't touch it.
Next he's got a 4 day Librium taper ready to go for me. (It's been 7 months now).

I've looked into decarboxylated amanita muscaria extract, and have some of that on hand, but it feels really weird.
I have a bag of pink Etizolam (?) I've been dipping into (short duration seems to confirm it's tiz), and another 2G bag of what was sold as Alp, but seems to have a rather long duration the very few times I've messed with it.. assuming it's likely flualp and bromaz, if not bromaz.
I also go a pg tincture of Rilmazafone thinking from what I read it would be a less addictive and possibly gentler way to step down.

My plan is to turn the powders into tinctures using everclear (only ever done one tiz tincture using PG.. bromaz not soluble in PG well so..) .. although flushing them down the toilet it tempting... so I can volumetrically dose more accurately.

If it were just benzo habituation. that would be one thing, but benzodiazepines are often used as a last line of defense in Mast Cell Activation Syndrome in order to control life threatening anaphylaxis and allow a person a normal life.
I personally want to test out the theory that it's the benzos that sent me into remission, but doing all this while holding a pivotal financial role in my disabled family, and not having the space or privacy to go through withdrawals (I live on a couch the middle of their shared living space, and they are always home, easily traumatized, and will call and have me committed one way or another if I lose control in any way)... makes this especially difficult.

Tomorrow I am seriously considering giving my two weeks notice at my more stressful higher paying job, so I can experiment with withdrawals in job I that will be much less pressure.
I am in contact regularly with my doctor about this, speak with three different counselors now (a bit overkill if you ask me.. but it's part of the the Substance Use Dependency Program).

Since I am at risk of being institutionalized and unable to communicate, I have a humane plan in case that seems to be the impending situation.

I'm just wondering if any of you geniuses might have some advice in my situation. I am in the US. Have medicare. Past history of addiction.
Found myself using not for medical purposes a few times in the last few months for the first time in 5 years... MDMA, cocaine.. out of hopelessness and a need for distraction I think.

Didnt help of course.

Should I quit my high pressure good paying job for a few months, and try to drop this stuff for good wile working less, and hope I get rehired? Or should I continue to head towards the abyss?

I've seen what years of klonopin addiction did to my sister. I've always been terrified of benzos. I was always so careful to avoid them, even when I went through some years of shooting amphetamines and having a complete psychotic break. (6 years ago now.. that's what the HPPD is from).

Apologies this isn't more concise. I feel stuck. But know there aren't any other options really.
Its just, if this doesn't work out, I'm kinda done for, and so is my family.

Anyway, thank you for the help. Apologies for all the wrong everythings I probably did here.

 

[ShastaSam83]

Poppin forum. I mean the situation is grim and all but.. damn.

 

[Jnowhere]

Hi, I used Bluelight back in the day, but have come back to seek advice.
Bascially I have Mast Cell Activation Syndome (makes you allergic to everything) that was getting so bad it was going to put me and my disabled mom and sister on the street, and me in an institution of some sort where they know noting about the condition, and would likely make it a very slow painful death,

I had been sober 5 years, and decided to try self treating with ketamine after reading some info that it it is a Mast Cell Stablilizer. I was down to 4 foods I could eat and couldnt leave the house due to scents, and still would get moderate to severe anaphylaxis from things I couldn't control often, despite having spent the last ten years working with regular and functional MD's, spending my life savings, and running a medical fundraiser to try to keep going.

The Ketamine was a last resort, shot in the dark, but it surprisingly helped quite a bit, and I was able to hold down a part time job, and possibly in conjunction with some other odd therapies I'll hold off on mentioning here, after 10 years, I am in full remission. I quite the Ketamine after a year (up to 2G a day intranasal) cold turkey, but had started using benzos (etizolam) once a week or so, sometimes more to deal with the the mood swings, and bout of HPPD I am prone to (doctor like to call them 'abnormal audio perceptions'.. but it suddenly feels like I'm immersed in hell and a little benzo would bring me right out).

When I cold turkeyd the K in Sept, I tried to cold turkey the benzos, several days in, and noticed the usual rebound anxiety, but it kept getting worse and worse. And even with Clonadine and tons of herbal and nutritional supplements (apigenin, lemon balm, magnesium, magnolia bark, a special reishi, etc).

The bars I was getting were sold as 'alp' .. but from further research I suspect they were a mix of flualprazolam and and bromazolam .. 3-4 mg possibly.

At first I was taking 9 a day.. 3 in the am, 3 in the afternoon, and 3 before bed.

But I still felt achy and exhausted - the someone gave me a ritalin - and everything felt better. I ended up doing dirty adderall for a month or so before I got cut off due to various issues. But I weaned off of those and after a few days sleep I was fine. No lasting K wd's, no cravings for stims. Just the benzos still staring me in the face.

I got down to 1 a day, then 1/2 a bar a day. Did a couple 1/4 days.
Spoke with my doctor about it extensively, but since none of it was coming up as official benzos in testing, there wasn't much they could do. I tried a rapid diazepam taper early on and it didn't touch it.
Next he's got a 4 day Librium taper ready to go for me. (It's been 7 months now).

I've looked into decarboxylated amanita muscaria extract, and have some of that on hand, but it feels really weird.
I have a bag of pink Etizolam (?) I've been dipping into (short duration seems to confirm it's tiz), and another 2G bag of what was sold as Alp, but seems to have a rather long duration the very few times I've messed with it.. assuming it's likely flualp and bromaz, if not bromaz.
I also go a pg tincture of Rilmazafone thinking from what I read it would be a less addictive and possibly gentler way to step down.

My plan is to turn the powders into tinctures using everclear (only ever done one tiz tincture using PG.. bromaz not soluble in PG well so..) .. although flushing them down the toilet it tempting... so I can volumetrically dose more accurately.

If it were just benzo habituation. that would be one thing, but benzodiazepines are often used as a last line of defense in Mast Cell Activation Syndrome in order to control life threatening anaphylaxis and allow a person a normal life.
I personally want to test out the theory that it's the benzos that sent me into remission, but doing all this while holding a pivotal financial role in my disabled family, and not having the space or privacy to go through withdrawals (I live on a couch the middle of their shared living space, and they are always home, easily traumatized, and will call and have me committed one way or another if I lose control in any way)... makes this especially difficult.

Tomorrow I am seriously considering giving my two weeks notice at my more stressful higher paying job, so I can experiment with withdrawals in job I that will be much less pressure.
I am in contact regularly with my doctor about this, speak with three different counselors now (a bit overkill if you ask me.. but it's part of the the Substance Use Dependency Program).

Since I am at risk of being institutionalized and unable to communicate, I have a humane plan in case that seems to be the impending situation.

I'm just wondering if any of you geniuses might have some advice in my situation. I am in the US. Have medicare. Past history of addiction.
Found myself using not for medical purposes a few times in the last few months for the first time in 5 years... MDMA, cocaine.. out of hopelessness and a need for distraction I think.

Didnt help of course.

Should I quit my high pressure good paying job for a few months, and try to drop this stuff for good wile working less, and hope I get rehired? Or should I continue to head towards the abyss?

I've seen what years of klonopin addiction did to my sister. I've always been terrified of benzos. I was always so careful to avoid them, even when I went through some years of shooting amphetamines and having a complete psychotic break. (6 years ago now.. that's what the HPPD is from).

Apologies this isn't more concise. I feel stuck. But know there aren't any other options really.
Its just, if this doesn't work out, I'm kinda done for, and so is my family.

Anyway, thank you for the help. Apologies for all the wrong everythings I probably did here.

Why are you at risk of being institutionalized? What is the issue with you being unable to communicate?
Most importantly what do you mean by a humane plan?

 

[ShastaSam83]

Why are you at risk of being institutionalized? What is the issue with you being unable to communicate?
Most importantly what do you mean by a humane plan?

There are many kinds of institutions; hospitals, psych wards, jails, etc.
I was reacting to medical adhesives and various medications last year, so going to the ER in an anaphylactic flare up could make it very difficult to communicate the last 10 years of research about how to diagnose and treat MCAS, which most med students had a ten minute primer on and would very well make the situation worse by trying to help,

A humane plan; ;when there is no answers medically to resolve a situation, one has to start thinking about end of life planning, whether it be wills, being as minimal of a financial and emotional burden on family, and other ways of treating yourself to the same methods used to relieve the suffering of dying pet, who has no hope of recovery, especially if they are in danger of medical mismanagement and having that suffering compounded by the ignorance of a rare condition.

 

[ShastaSam83]

Stopping ketamine is a step in the right direction. You are making things unnecessarily difficult having a stash of benzos around especially when you don't even know what benzodiazepine one of them is. Also if by dipping you mean eye balling doses that's also a big issue.

Advice would be to bin the unknown chemical and begin volumetric dosing etizolam. Consider having someone else hold onto it and dose based on a taper schedule. Based on your post I think you would struggle to do this without someone else assisting.

Having a doctor who provides you a strict benzo taper would help here but if you attempt this with a bag of etizolam it won't work. You need to choose one or the other. A good doctor would be familiar with etizolam so your current doctor might be making this unnecessarily difficult but they also can't help you with a taper if you're choosing to use two other benzos.

 

[ShastaSam83]

Not quite dipping, loosely volumetrically dosing, (becasuse bromazolam is so damn difficult to get to a reliable solubility.
No way to test the benzos unfortunately with a laboratory analysis, except for 2 comprehensive UA's I had done a few months ago, which looked for everything from xylazine to fent analogues.
But apparently they are not advanced enough to keep up with benzodiazepine analogues, so i kept showing up negative on the test.

I took some pharma alp before one test, because the idea is that you can't be treated for substance dependency if you have none of that (or they lack the ability to test for similar substances) substance in your system


I may be able to have someone help control dosing, maybe not, first have to create a solution that is clear with no hot spots for them to work with.

Doctor options are a 4 day valium or librium taper, and then use the ER to manage any other symptoms (seizures etc).
I'm trying to follow the Ashton Method, of gradual cessation, which has been the gold standard for the getting people off these drugs, but because I have a history of substance abuse, I think the doctor is much less inclined to give me a bottle, and go at it.

That seems to be the most rational and successful approach to biochemically withdrawing from such things, and if, due to legal concerns or whatever, the doctors I have available expect me to quit an 8 month benzo habit in 4 days while somehow managing to work, keep my job (not breakdown having seizures in front of customers), and for me not to get so sleep deprived, anxious, and depressed that I self harm and or have psychosis, this seems like the only viable plan.

No, im not 'dipping' into bags. I'm dissolving them into a solvent and trying to figure out mg/ml dosages so I can gradually reduce.

 

[Jnowhere]

I have been on benzos for 7 1/2 years and opiates longer. I have switched to Valium and only use 30mg a day.
Still my doctor, when asked he said it could take a year to a year and a half.
My issue, is I was drunk who was told that I had a year to live, back in December 2015 and a while later got on benzos. I was expecting to be dead and no one warned me of the dangers of benzos, but I got better some, I am alive.
Anyways these doctors or sometimes clueless. 4 day taper from 8 months of use. That sounds ridiculous. It will unfortunately take a while longer. A slow taper, not necessarily as long as I would need, but 4 days?
From the posts it sounds like you are considering suicide. I hope that is not the case. Your family needs you and suicide is not the answer. If you are thinking about it please don't, your family needs you.
Can you get on Valium( diazepam)
According to what I have learned on Bluelight and seeing the charts, it seems The Ashton Method works best with it.
Your situation seems really tough, but but please don't do anything dangerous. A pill splitter might help to use less. But you need to try to keep your job and unless you are a threat to yourself or others, they can't have you committed. I would try to cut back slowly and avoid any substances that could trigger a psychotic episode.
Given the circumstances, and the job market, I would try to keep your job. If possible, try to get valium; it is mild and from what I learned on here is one of the easiest benzos to get off, of. Being unemployed, given you and your families situation, is probably not a good idea. See if your doctor can put you on a longer taper.( librium seems good as does Valium). I am sorry to read about your situation, and I guess all you can do is try to push through it.
A taper of benzos in such a short period of time seems rather tough, and may be too difficult. Please try to see about other options, and don't be too drastic. The Ashton method seems like your best bet. Keep your job if you can.

 

[someguyontheinternet]

The phrase "dipping in" can refer to using a substance out of a stash not just the act of literally dipping a finger in or eyeballing

If I say I was dipping into the cookies I had saved for a party, what do you think that means?

 

[someguyontheinternet]

It can literally mean they just used some of what they had and gives zero insight into measurement and administration methods. That was the point I was trying to get across and this isn't their conversation with a doctor so we can't make judgements about how that went

They could have easily take small amounts out of the bag to dose volumetrically. I think you're reading into the phrase way too much and making assumptions of what the op meant

 

[ShastaSam83]

T

It can literally mean they just used some of what they had and gives zero insight into measurement and administration methods. That was the point I was trying to get across and this isn't their conversation with a doctor so we can't make judgements about how that went

They could have easily take small amounts out of the bag to dose volumetrically. I think you're reading into the phrase way too much and making assumptions of what the op meant

I am the OP. This is all convoluted. Most of the analogues are active at sub mg levels - they need to be diluted to ccs/mls to have the most accurate control over dosage. The defensive comments about the cookies is totally beside the point. Why even take the time to defend that statement. Dose dry volumetrically with a scoop? 1 mg etizolam is equal to 10 mg diazepam.. trying eyeballing that.

 

[ShastaSam83]

I have been on benzos for 7 1/2 years and opiates longer. I have switched to Valium and only use 30mg a day.
Still my doctor, when asked he said it could take a year to a year and a half.
My issue, is I was drunk who was told that I had a year to live, back in December 2015 and a while later got on benzos. I was expecting to be dead and no one warned me of the dangers of benzos, but I got better some, I am alive.
Anyways these doctors or sometimes clueless. 4 day taper from 8 months of use. That sounds ridiculous. It will unfortunately take a while longer. A slow taper, not necessarily as long as I would need, but 4 days?
From the posts it sounds like you are considering suicide. I hope that is not the case. Your family needs you and suicide is not the answer. If you are thinking about it please don't, your family needs you.
Can you get on Valium( diazepam)
According to what I have learned on Bluelight and seeing the charts, it seems The Ashton Method works best with it.
Your situation seems really tough, but but please don't do anything dangerous. A pill splitter might help to use less. But you need to try to keep your job and unless you are a threat to yourself or others, they can't have you committed. I would try to cut back slowly and avoid any substances that could trigger a psychotic episode.
Given the circumstances, and the job market, I would try to keep your job. If possible, try to get valium; it is mild and from what I learned on here is one of the easiest benzos to get off, of. Being unemployed, given you and your families situation, is probably not a good idea. See if your doctor can put you on a longer taper.( librium seems good as does Valium). I am sorry to read about your situation, and I guess all you can do is try to push through it.
A taper of benzos in such a short period of time seems rather tough, and may be too difficult. Please try to see about other options, and don't be too drastic. The Ashton method seems like your best bet. Keep your job if you can.

 

[ShastaSam83]

The problem as the doctor described it is that he 'can't prescribe benzodiazepines long term for a patient who was not prescribed benzodiazepines and has become dependent on them.'
They gave me 16 5mg valiums at first to test out a rapid taper months ago (when I was taking 9 4mg xanax (or flualprazolam/bromazolam ..whatever analogues they are pressing the street pills with now.. much stronger probably .. longer half lives.. unpredictable dosages.. and adulterants)
These analogues do not show up on quite comprehensive drug tests (because they only test for Rx benzos, fent and analogues, and xylazine.. so there was no proof that I was even on benzos.)

The next time I took a pharma xanax the morning before, but it barely showed up on the test.

Their next step was to try the 4 day Librium taper.. again since long term rx of benzos to a patient like me i'm assuming could get him in trouble and the situation is so convoluted not knowing what Im taking exactly and how much.

His only other option is to keep going to the ER once I run out of what I have and have them manage seizures etc, and then let me wander the streets with Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms that are known to last months at least. Insomnia, panic attacks, hallucinations, and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome which makes eating most foods I would be donated by those that pity me anaphylaxis.

So in and out of ER, institutions as they start to not believe the Mast Cell Activation Syndrome issues because I will have a harder and harder time communicating myself cogently and explaining this incredibly complex situation, and then I'd likely end un in jail for trespassing or some other unavoidable or unfavorable behavior on the street.

Yes I am considering exiting humanely under those conditions, and have for years, as I've been working on this for a very long time and quickly saw the ineptitude of the medical system here.
They would leave me (my family has a better chance of survival with their minds and bodies in better condition) to slowly die in and out of institutions, likely medicating me with the completely wrong meds making me a tardive dyskinesia zombie at best, and trapped in my body suffering horribly unable to communicate at worst.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

and bout of HPPD I am prone to (doctor like to call them 'abnormal audio perceptions'.

What exactly do you mean? HPPD is a specific diagnosis, that isn't related to auditory phenomenon. Do you hear music or voices?

The musical hallucinations I have commonly, and are technically called "involuntary musical imagery". It's uncommon but can happen from a lot of drug use, including dissociatives.

I've looked into decarboxylated amanita muscaria extract, and have some of that on hand, but it feels really weird.

A good quality muscimol extract potentiates benzos tremendously, is extremely effective during taper. It helped me taper off a 3 month bromazolam habit with zero rebound or withdrawal (and I have 20+ years of alcohol/benzo kindling).

Scientific evidence supports the idea that muscimol may actually reverse benzo dependence, by making the receptors more sensitive to stimulation from GABA.

There is a lot of fake/bunk stuff out there. Lots of stuff is laced with tryptamines and isn't muscimol or amanita at all. Also a lot of stuff that is laced with pregabalin in the US, for whatever reason. One weird commercial vendor.

I'm just wondering if any of you geniuses might have some advice in my situation. I am in the US. Have medicare. Past history of addiction.
Found myself using not for medical purposes a few times in the last few months for the first time in 5 years... MDMA, cocaine.. out of hopelessness and a need for distraction I think.

Didnt help of course.

Should I quit my high pressure good paying job for a few months, and try to drop this stuff for good wile working less, and hope I get rehired? Or should I continue to head towards the abyss?

Take an emergency medical leave for work. By federal law companies are legally required to give you a few weeks of "emergency medical leave", and they can't fire you or ask any questions about why you're taking such medical leave. You don't have to quit your job.

Take that time to go to detox or cold turkey at home or something.

More drugs are not going to fix your mental issues. I learned that the hard way.

But yes, get off the benzos. 9 pressed bars per day is a ridiculous dose.