Addiction Never thought I would Be here but Here I am

[Coffeeshroom]

MOrning All (Day 15)

Well last night I had a semi good nights rest and funny enough didn't need a lot, just weird that some nights i can get away with little and other nights i need a lot. So with all that said last night i got away with 5mg diazepam, 1mg Kratom (red vein) and a joint ( medium sized ) of Harley Quinn. I got my mate 5g of it cause my friend uses it for his rheumatoid arthritis and it helps him a lot but he gave me a gram of it. So i went to bed at 10pm with taking what I mentioned and got a decent sleep from just after 10pm till 04:20ish this morning. Not solid but didn't struggle to fall asleep again when i woke.

As for the subs I will be dropping it down to 2mg a day and then 1 mg a day and 0.5mg a day and then after switch over to kratom and see how that works. Im looking at white vein and red vein for mornings and red vein just for night time. And still use anything from 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam daily. And then keeping my triazolam and midazolam only for the nights that i really struggle to fall asleep.

So overall it is getting better and i have been down the road before from using 18mg subs a day and working my way down to 1mg a day and then skipping days till I was off completely but this took me 1-1.5 years for this and i would like to do this faster this time and like i mentioned looking at kratom when i stop the subs at a very low dose so I don't need high dosages of kratom to get of subs. But currently my daily subs usage is still at 4mg. From next week on i will drop it with 1mg and see how i feel.

I did go out last night to celebrate i said i was going to and had my Fav pizza ( meaty deluxe with a house made chilli sauce ) and had 2 drafts of beer and one tequila shot, so maybe that also added to a better nights rest.

But Im feeling good and think the way im going about this is good and will be down to 1mg-0.5mg subs a day within a few months. I also will use gabapentinoids in the time frame of when i drop dosages and i feel that i need it but also at low dosages and i haven't been using any gabapentinoids for a while now so tolerance will be low.

Sidenote: i really considering getting more Harley Quinn for myself for night time or just before bed use as i think it is helping with the sleep and overall. But we will see when i start making that a permanent part of my sleep regime.

Apart from all that still staying strong and doing good overall. Just still struggling with the morning wake up or that "lus" to get out of bed and start my day but sure it will get better with time. Having strong coffee or expresso when i wake and then sipping on energy drink throughout the morning after coffee does help a bit but don't think that's healthy either in the long run.

Regards
CoffeeShroom

 

[n3ophy7e]

my Fav pizza ( meaty deluxe with a house made chilli sauce )

Holy fuckballs that sounds SO GOOD. I'm nearly 9 months pregnant and have been craving pizza for the last 3 days straight. I would murder dat shit.

CS do you ever find that you get really bad rebound anxiety when you combine booze and benzos the day before? I do, omg. I get that horrendous existential dread as soon as I wake up.

Espresso coffee is completely fine in terms of health. Energy drinks are not. Energy drinks are nothing but an overload of sugar and caffeine and whatever other chemicals that particular brand puts in their products.

Great to hear you're doing well

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Holy fuckballs that sounds SO GOOD. I'm nearly 9 months pregnant and have been craving pizza for the last 3 days straight. I would murder dat shit.

CS do you ever find that you get really bad rebound anxiety when you combine booze and benzos the day before? I do, omg. I get that horrendous existential dread as soon as I wake up.

Espresso coffee is completely fine in terms of health. Energy drinks are not. Energy drinks are nothing but an overload of sugar and caffeine and whatever other chemicals that particular brand puts in their products.

Great to hear you're doing well

Oh hell yes that pizza was divine, steak strips, diced sausages, minced meat or ground beef as you know it, bacon bits, mushrooms, onions, chilly slices and green pepper top with there house made chili sauce that's like a green chili sauce, so think its like a jalapeno sauce but all that and obviously with a lot of cheese and they don't skimp on the toppings. A bit of a messy pizza but so delicious and the best part, its wood fire oven pizza. I hate normal heated oven pizza.

On the anxiety part, no i don't really but have had 2 very heavy anxiety attacks this week but think it just came down to pressure and too many things to do in such a small space of time and family issues in between didn't help at all but otherwise i don't really get anxiety the next day after booze and benzo's, guess I'm just lucky in that way.

I hear you on the energy drinks part but i also go with the low sugar or sugar free once but to be honest i am also just hooked on 2 specific once because of the flavour, the one is iron brew candy floss and the other orange bubblegum flavour and now my friend i went out with last night, she was drinking a Turkish delight flavour when she picked me up to go out and that one was just as delicious. Think im chasing the taste more then the actual energy benefits lol.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh hell yes that pizza was divine, steak strips, diced sausages, minced meat or ground beef as you know it, bacon bits, mushrooms, onions, chilly slices and green pepper top with there house made chili sauce that's like a green chili sauce, so think its like a jalapeno sauce but all that and obviously with a lot of cheese and they don't skimp on the toppings. A bit of a messy pizza but so delicious and the best part, its wood fire oven pizza. I hate normal heated oven pizza.

On the anxiety part, no i don't really but have had 2 very heavy anxiety attacks this week but think it just came down to pressure and too many things to do in such a small space of time and family issues in between didn't help at all but otherwise i don't really get anxiety the next day after booze and benzo's, guess I'm just lucky in that way.

I hear you on the energy drinks part but i also go with the low sugar or sugar free once but to be honest i am also just hooked on 2 specific once because of the flavour, the one is iron brew candy floss and the other orange bubblegum flavour and now my friend i went out with last night, she was drinking a Turkish delight flavour when she picked me up to go out and that one was just as delicious. Think im chasing the taste more then the actual energy benefits lol.

Stop saying pizza!!!

Shit, now I need pizza.....

Okay I'ma go get pizza. Jeezuz quit bugging me about it already



Seriously I am literally going out to get a BBQ meatlovers pizza with jalapeños right now lol.

Oh and I am Australian, we called it minced meat as well

 

[Coffeeshroom]

MOrning All (Day16)

Slept okayish last night and only had a little bit of benzos. I had 6mg Bromazepam with 0.25mg Triazolam with half a joint of Harley Quinn. Had all this just before 10pm and then fell asleep roughly 10-15 min later and then slept solidly till about 02:40am this morning, I wanted to take some more benzos and smoke the other half of the joint but then decided to only have the other half of the joint that helped me to fall asleep again till about 04:30ish, so it gave me an extra 2 hrs but after waking up after that i just decided to stay awake and wake and bake with some DB and also had a cup of americano with dbl expresso. Waited till 6am and had my 2mg subs with 5mg Diazepam and the new flavour of energy drink I found that is Orange Bubblegum and they low on sugar with only 20mg per 500ml, which is not to bad. But yes i know there are still other chemicals and stuff that is bad for me. But trying not to make it a daily thing lol.

Also have to add that yesterday i had a long afternoon nap of 2hrs and another nap an hour later again for an hr and then 2hrs later had my meds and went to bed, so think the extra 3 hrs of sleep i had before bed also influenced my sleep last night.

So with all that said, all is still good on my side and hope everyone has an awesome weekend. I'm already getting my fishing gear ready so i can be out and at the damn in the next hr.

Regards
CoffeeShroom

 

[Jabberwocky]

Glad you're still going strong!

Napping generally doesn't help with sleep. Though one thing that annoys me is sometime I can sleep naturally for a nap, but not at all at night. Natural sleep is a huge thing for me cos i didn't have it for 16 years. Usually for me though napping stops me getting to sleep, rather than making me wake up in the night. I woke up at 3.30 last night and ended up having to take dipenhydramine and read my book for a bit cos getting straight back to sleep wasn't happening. Now super tired, according to my sleep tracking app I got less than an hour deep sleep all night.

Hope you enjoyed the fishing!!

Are you getting any psychological help for your addiction problems? Even if you're doing OK so far without it, I'd strongly recommend it to give you the best chance possible of getting into long term recovery.

 

[hhum4n]

MOrning All (Day16)

Slept okayish last night and only had a little bit of benzos. I had 6mg Bromazepam with 0.25mg Triazolam with half a joint of Harley Quinn. Had all this just before 10pm and then fell asleep roughly 10-15 min later and then slept solidly till about 02:40am this morning, I wanted to take some more benzos and smoke the other half of the joint but then decided to only have the other half of the joint that helped me to fall asleep again till about 04:30ish, so it gave me an extra 2 hrs but after waking up after that i just decided to stay awake and wake and bake with some DB and also had a cup of americano with dbl expresso. Waited till 6am and had my 2mg subs with 5mg Diazepam and the new flavour of energy drink I found that is Orange Bubblegum and they low on sugar with only 20mg per 500ml, which is not to bad. But yes i know there are still other chemicals and stuff that is bad for me. But trying not to make it a daily thing lol.

Also have to add that yesterday i had a long afternoon nap of 2hrs and another nap an hour later again for an hr and then 2hrs later had my meds and went to bed, so think the extra 3 hrs of sleep i had before bed also influenced my sleep last night.

So with all that said, all is still good on my side and hope everyone has an awesome weekend. I'm already getting my fishing gear ready so i can be out and at the damn in the next hr.

Regards
CoffeeShroom

It's important to listen to your body as you are reducing dosage and moving along the path. Your body knows best, and listening to it is a good thing. There were so many times I thought, well if I nap I won't sleep later, but ended up not sleeping at all because I was stubborn and didn't listen to my body. I think it's a different story when you're body is not recovering/ adjusting to medications.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Well I'm back from my fishing trip and feel tired. Think i could easily fall asleep now for an hr or 2 but will stay awake just to see if it will make my night sleep better.

Oh and I caught 2 fishes, all being carp bottom feeders but 2 fishies none the less. Not big or not small just average i would say but at least not a waste of time.

Let's see what tonight in tales for me.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

MOrning All (Day 17)

Last nights sleep was okay, i did manage to push through and not nap before bed time. Just before bed i had 6mg bromazepam, 15mg midazolam and the last bit of Harley Quinn that was like 3 decent bong hits. That had me out in roughly 15 min again and slept till just after 3am as i needed to go take a piss. Got back in bed and had 150mg pregabalin and a big glass of wine that had me sleeping nicely again till after 5amish. Then got up and started my day. Around 6amish had my 2mg subs with 5mg diazepam and 800mg Gabapentin ER. Feeling okayish but just in a very foul mood, no specific reason why, just woke up in a bad mood for some reason.

But it's Sunday and Braai day so looking forward to that as always. Happy Sunday to all.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Can't sleep and only have a little long acting benzos left. So im just gonna stay awake and have some weed and see how the night goes...

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Morning all. I haven't slept at all even after some bong hits and a few drinks. I decided not to take any benzos and now see just how much I actually need them. Not good at all. I'm tired af but just can't fall asleep. So my benzo need is more then I thought.

So now I just don't know what to do. Do I go a kratom route for night time only or maybe look at other natural ways of inducing sleep. This really sucks. And it's not like I don't have any benzos I just tried to go one night without it and it didn't help me at all. I'm at a loss now knowing that I need them for sleep. I did have 150mg pregabalin at like 1am just to see if it would help and nadda.

I don't mind having to use benzos for sleep but I want to keep it at a minimum or only every other night or like I mentioned some other alternative of a natural kind to help me. This is so frustrating. I feel like collapsing and do want I don't want to do. Plus it's I'm feeling so depressed atm it's horrible.i think I'm gonna get some Diphenhydramine Hcl for this weekend to test out as I use to use that in the past and it helped, not a lot but at least a decent but. Anyhowim awake and can't sleep. Horrible feeling, the birds are chirping and the sun is gonna come up in the next 30 min odd.

 

[RedRum OG]

I would make heavy use of any tool in your arsenal other than benzos starting ASAP. Benzo addiction is 10x worse than opiate addiction. It hits harder and faster

Try edible cannabinoids instead of smoking? When prepared right they can knock you out for 6 hours

 

[Jabberwocky]

fuck @Coffeeshroom that is brutal.

tbh i had a similar thing last night, i was absolutely shattered all day cos of not sleeping well for at least a week. was desperate not to use any GABA agonists, ended up taking a lot of dipenhydramine and still not sleeping til super late and then waking up horribly early and having to work. i've had a tiredness induced headache for days.

i'm sure you've done it before and so have i, but we need to accept some horribly tired days with possibly no or very little sleep where our brains are fried and everything is a chore. however endless it feels at the time, usually its not that long til you start feeling somewhat better.

 

[hhum4n]

Morning all. I haven't slept at all even after some bong hits and a few drinks. I decided not to take any benzos and now see just how much I actually need them. Not good at all. I'm tired af but just can't fall asleep. So my benzo need is more then I thought.

So now I just don't know what to do. Do I go a kratom route for night time only or maybe look at other natural ways of inducing sleep. This really sucks. And it's not like I don't have any benzos I just tried to go one night without it and it didn't help me at all. I'm at a loss now knowing that I need them for sleep. I did have 150mg pregabalin at like 1am just to see if it would help and nadda.

I don't mind having to use benzos for sleep but I want to keep it at a minimum or only every other night or like I mentioned some other alternative of a natural kind to help me. This is so frustrating. I feel like collapsing and do want I don't want to do. Plus it's I'm feeling so depressed atm it's horrible.i think I'm gonna get some Diphenhydramine Hcl for this weekend to test out as I use to use that in the past and it helped, not a lot but at least a decent but. Anyhowim awake and can't sleep. Horrible feeling, the birds are chirping and the sun is gonna come up in the next 30 min odd.

I think your best option right now is to increase the opiate dose to stabilize from the benzo issue. Once you are stabilized (sleeping without benzos), then taper the opiates from there. You are going to lose sleep, and it's going to be very difficult which I'm sure you already know. A slow taper typically means less suffering across a longer period vs cold turkey which is intense over a shorter period (which feels like an eternity when going through it regardless).

I would try to limit the number of sources you are using to increase your sleep and get back to a baseline. There are many safe, non-habit forming medications that can assist with this, but you have a lot of variables in the mix right now in my opinion. Rooting for you regardless of what you decide!

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

no cravings or physical but my mind wants badly

Yeah, it's your mind that keeps you at it. That's precisely what forming a habit means. The physical side of things can be almost irrelevant compared to that. But it is possible to re-direct your mind and unshackle yourself from those mental ties. You can make new attachments to other things. I've done it and I was predicted to die in the gutter. Never lose faith in what's possible. Heads up

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Thanks for all this guys... You have no idea how much this all means to me and the support. The thing is atm i just started the first part of my Studies today, so last night i obviously took a few benzos to get a good sleep mixed with some alcohol. And yes i know this is not good or ideal but i need a clear mind at the moment. Won't lie and think i overdid it last night as i woke up with a "Drugalas" aka a drug hangover. But a lot of caffeine helped sort that out with a hot shower and also had a dbl whiskey when i woke with that. But got through the day feeling a fine but no appetite at all. Still no appetite so don't know on that part.

But for now i'm just gonna keep with a low dose long acting benzos with a quick short acting benzo to give me a solid 6-7 hrs sleep. And next week reassess the whole situation as by then my first course of studies will be done and then have a week till the next start. BUt overall I'm still on the subs but today i did have 8mg subs, maybe it was more of an anxiety thing being away from home and not being in my own comfort environment and so on. But that's okay for now. At least i was a wake and could concentrate during class and also only had a total of 6mg bromazepam during the day split into 2 doses of 3mg in the morning and the other at 1pm.

Thanks all
Regards
CoffeeShroom

 

[xaddictx]

Well I'm back from my fishing trip and feel tired. Think i could easily fall asleep now for an hr or 2 but will stay awake just to see if it will make my night sleep better.

Oh and I caught 2 fishes, all being carp bottom feeders but 2 fishies none the less. Not big or not small just average i would say but at least not a waste of time.

Let's see what tonight in tales for me.

Nah. Those fishies arent good to eat

 

[xaddictx]

Holy fuckballs that sounds SO GOOD. I'm nearly 9 months pregnant and have been craving pizza for the last 3 days straight. I would murder dat shit.

CS do you ever find that you get really bad rebound anxiety when you combine booze and benzos the day before? I do, omg. I get that horrendous existential dread as soon as I wake up.

Espresso coffee is completely fine in terms of health. Energy drinks are not. Energy drinks are nothing but an overload of sugar and caffeine and whatever other chemicals that particular brand puts in their products.

Great to hear you're doing well

Fuckballs? Hahahaha

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Nah. Those fishies arent good to eat

Lol no I agree. Tried once and never again. Just muddy

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Hey all

Sorry for not reporting in on a daily basis as i should have but I was very busy with the course that i studied (over the last few days) and finished today. Lol and I passed with 95%, got 2 questions wrong on my theory but passed the practical was 100%. For those interested i did my lvl1 First Aid and starting my next course in 2 weeks roughly which would be either First Aid Lvl2 or Fire Fighting Lvl1. But it's gonna be done either way, in between there are other few courses i need to do or want to do to get me further with the goals I set out for myself. End game is to be a fully qualified field First responder and also a Qualified anti-poacher or be part of the anti poacher unit with Field medic qualifications.

As far as the staying clean and focusing on bettering myself it is going good. Still haven't relapse and im on only 4mg subs a day and a max of 10-15mg diazepam a day or 6-9mg bromazepam a day. Night time I'm only adding 25-50mg triazolam or 15-30mg midazolam. I also have added one night 450mg pregabalin but haven't used any gabapentinoids in any other form or matter or time of the day.

So overall I'm doing good with a fresh frame of mind during the day and absorbing as much knowledge during this time with what I am studying. One thing that is still catching me off guard is a runny tummy that can be embarrassing at certain times but that is a normal bodily function so i don't really care what other people think or have to say about this.

I have had a few drinks here and there but nothing excessive in anyway. Today is the first day that i actually had more then 3 drinks but that is/was only to self celebrate after this weeks of accomplishments I have made. I'm also going out tonight with a few friends to celebrate fully but even then I think i won't go over the top and actually focus more on spoiling myself with a proper chow of high caliber lol, i love my food. So definitely gonna look at a place thats got a good big sized T-bone on there menu cooked rare to slightly medium but more on the rare side.

As I'm typing all of this I'm feeling a good about my accomplishments in more then one way. Plus the money i have saved this week so far will make sure I can spoil myself to the fullest which i couldn't or haven't done in months.

I'm happy... Very Happy..

Much Love to all my fellow Bluelighters
CoffeeShroom