"She was my heart" - a story about a tragic overdose

Hello to everyone in the Bluelight Community.

Last month, we tragically lost ketamania (you can visit her shrine remembrance post here).

This week, her fiancé posted an account of what happened which he wants everyone to read, especially those who use drugs and their loved ones.

I wanted to elevate this writing to our front page because it goes to the worst harm any of us can experience from drug use, as well as the harm reduction tools we can have at hand to help prevent fatal overdoses (naloxone, knowing the recovery position, being willing to seek help quickly), as well as supporting our friends who are seeking to maintain abstinence.

The toxic drug supply, especially in the North Americas, is also a huge factor in these deaths.

RIP Ashley. And thank you so much to Jose for sharing this

Post by Jose R Miranda

I know this is a long post, I apologize, but please take the time to read this. This is important, for some it is a matter of life and death. It may sound like I am being dramatic, but I assure you I am not.

*****WARNING*****
**Parts of this post are difficult to read and contain details of traumatic**
**events. If you are sensitive to this type of information, please use discretion** **if you choose to read this post. It is also best to not expose children to**
**this post, especially younger children. **

I need to tell a story, most of you have seen or heard this story, some have the complete story, some got the story with details left out. Some thought the story had to have more to it (it did), some even asked about the parts that did not fully make sense. Some got the rest of the story; others got a vague answer (I said ‘I don’t know’ a lot).
Sunday December 3,2023

It was a lazy Sunday morning, I had stayed up too late with Ashley the previous night and got up way too early (2 insomniacs living together, getting up too early after staying up late was something we did a lot.) and played video games together. At about 9: 30 (we stopped playing a game together at 9: 22) we realized that it had gotten later than intended and we had not fed or walked our dog. Ashley said she was tired, so I reminded her that we had stuff to do and got ready to go outside and headed. I went outside for about 15 minutes. When I came back inside Ashley, as I expected, was laying down, so I went to my computer, checked emails, and did other things while I waited. I went to check on her, to remind her about the things we were supposed to do that day. I often check on her while she naps, but usually it was just looking in on her. She did not respond to me, so I thought she had fallen asleep, so I decided to let her rest a bit and went back to my computer. About 15 minutes later I went to check on her again and being a bit impatient tried again to remind her (softly talking to her) but she again did not respond. I watched her for a minute or 2 but was not worried. At about 1017 or so I went to check on her, when I got up from my computer and walked into our room I immediately got a feeling something was wrong, I tried to brush it off , I thought I was being paranoid, but I started shaking Ashley foot calling out to her, I called out to her louder and louder and shook her foot more and more, I even hit her (something I would never normally do), all got no response from Ashley. With growing panic, I climbed up on the bed and rolled her over. I immediately saw signs she was in respiratory distress, and after checking I was not able to find that she had a pulse of any sign or breathing. In my state I doubted my finding, so I went to get two things, my phone, and a pulse oximeter, I came back with three things. I quickly got my phone and went to Ashley’s bag where I knew she had a pulse oximeter. When I got to her bag was when I saw something I did not want to see. It was visible enough so when I walked to our kitchen I could see it, hidden enough so I walked by it several time I did not see it, on the kitchen table a piece of square aluminum foil. (I knew at that point what I was dealing with, I am going to finish the sequence of events but I will explain the significance of this aluminum foil), It was hidden enough so I was able to walk through the room without seeing it but not really hidden well, (she didn’t want me to know because I was going to be disappointed, but she didn’t want to keep the secret from me) I think. When I saw the square I knew I was dealing with an overdose and made sure to grab Narcan on the way back to the bedroom and immediately administered the first dose and put the pulse oximeter on her finger while dialing 911 at 1020 I attempted to get the pulse oximeter to get a pulse but never succeeded. I had to go open locked gates to allow help access to the property and so a ran as fast as I could opened the gates and as soon as I got back to Ashley I got to work (I was already hearing sirens coming), first a 2nd dose of Narcan and then I had to get her off the bed to perform CPR, I got her to the floor and began to perform CPR. I performed CPR until police arrived (in this area a lot of times police respond to calls when CPR is in progress, and always respond when the calls involve overdose of any kind) I was given and administered a third dose of Narcan and eventually the police took over CPR. A total of four doses of Narcan were given to Ashley before she was put in the ambulance and taken to the hospital.

It took me a couple of days before my consciousness really let me realize what caused me to realize what made me realize something was wrong. Ashley when she slept always breathed quite loudly, sounds strange but it would put me to sleep a lot of time, just listening to her breath.

She breathed so loudly that I could usually hear her from the foot of the bed. I would often check on her while she napped and cover her with blankets or just listen to her breathing and honesty. I love her so much and everything about her that I was in awe just watching her sleep, I am lucky to have had her in my life. That day blame it on lack of sleep, or me not feeling well (she was going to take to me emergency room that day) but I am almost certain now, what triggered my realizing something was wrong was I did not hear her breathing, and I don’t know if my mind is messing with me but I don’t think I heard her any of the times I checked on her.

The aluminum foil piece? The significance was it had a brownish substance on it, with a straw next to it, and a lighter, the substance was Fentanyl. Ashley battled addiction and lost her fight. Somebody introduced her to opioids, and she found a way to escape from the feeling she had from past trauma. All addicts have this in common, some will say they get high because high because “it feels good” but what doesn’t feel good about being sober, EVERY addict gets high because they are feeling something that they do not want to feel and getting high makes that feeling go away, even if it is for a short time. I knew she was an addict. I saw the signs and we talked about it, and I helped her stop (I had hoped permanently) but as is common with addicts we relapse. Yes, I say we because while I have a number of years under my belt sober, I too consider myself an addict. My drug of choice was not an opioid but another substance. The problem is today you go buy “drugs” on the street and even the person that you are buying it from will no always be able to tell you exactly what you are getting, Marijuana even, good old “natural” weed on the streets (you know, from your dealer, your ‘connect’, your plug) you can buy weed that “give you a better high than that stuff from the dispensary”. You know why they make that claim? Because even good old ‘natural’ weed is always what it seems these days. I am focusing on weed because the argument is how safe it is, ‘you can’t overdose on weed’ is only true if the weed is pure. They use so many things that could harm addicts to ‘enhance’ the high, they will even lace the weed with Fentanyl. The point is you don’t always know what you are getting unless you buy it from a legal source. If is there is a legal source in your area.

Now let’s get some facts straight about fentanyl. The first one is something that I have seen on the news overdose from touching someone that is overdosing, that is used by news outlets to be more dramatic, overdose is not a contagious disease. I have now been in contact with 2 different people that had experienced an overdose on opioids and administered Narcan… neither made me high in the drugs nor made me overdose. Of course, take normal precautions that you would take doing first aid on someone but please do not be afraid to help! The news stations say things like this, and it will make people afraid to help and people will die. The second thing is generally speaking the forms of fentanyl sold on the streets are solid pieces, white looking substance about the color of white chalk, it can come in smaller pieces or one larger piece (because of Facebook rules I am not posting photos, but they can be found online. This post may be stretching the rules already.) I do not recommend it but coming in contact with it is NOT generally instantly fatal! (I am not saying it is 100% safe to just handle the stuff) This again is something the news overdramatizes, in preparing to do the drug many addicts will use their bare hands or teeth to break it into smaller pieces if it is in a larger piece. However, having said that, being in skin contact with the solid form of the drug may not be instantly fatal but definitely wash your hands after coming into contact with it, if it is on your hands and you rub your eyes… that is a way into your body and who knows how your body will react. The takeaway is this: please don’t be afraid to help! You see someone that needs help, and you can safely do so please don’t be afraid to help.

If you know anyone that needs help with substance abuse, please get them help. I recommend everyone carry Narcan (common name for naloxone) . It is available free in many places and will reverse any opioid overdose that is caught in time, which is the key…time. Next Distro organization (Nextdistro.org) has great resources and information with training videos. They also have a program where they will send free Narcan to people in certain locations (California where I live is included in those locations, I have been carrying Narcan for over a year now.)
Another avenue to get help with substance abuse is 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988lifeline.org or dial 988 from any phone within the United States) despite the name they can help with substance abuse along with mental health crisis whether for yourself or a loved one.

I hope this helps people. I do not want anyone to go through my experience. Finding a loved one that has overdosed is an experience that changes one for the rest of their lives. Nothing can prepare you for it, the best thing to do is to stop the people that are suffering with addiction or try try to stop them ahead of time, before they fall into addiction. Get them help before they fall into addiction, if possible, if not get them help to recover from it.

I lost my love to this. I lost my sweet Ash. I don't want anyone to go through this agony. She was my heart.

 

Why hasn't this site taken off and gotten huge? I don't necessarily think it is the best site for people who are in recovery or who are trying to stop using substances, but I do see a major place for a forum like this to be in place for those who are going to use No Matter What. For those who have no convictions from faith or from their moral compass to influence their minds to stop. And also addicts will try all sorts of ways so they can use and have it become safer.
Some of the stuff I've read on here is absolutely impactful on so many levels. These pages show the true spirit of addicts and how they too have good hearts and aren't trying to always take. This site puts that on display. I just wish it were in the hands of a more driven originator or author. Or a board of people who want to help keep addicts alive so much that doing so has become the "sack" they chase. Just ideas. This could be big is all I'm saying. And by "big" I mean it could help save exponential lives and reduce so much more harm if it were run with a more "vigorous" approach.

This confuses me. Perhaps it's because I've got high-functioning autism and take things literally, but what are the differences between the lines? I've been here for a long time and haven't had one addiction aside from self-harm and an eating disorder, from anorexia to binge eating disorder. So, the same could be said for other pages that are fill-in-the-blank disorder reduction but are run with a more "vigorous approach." Am I delusional or is one of these things not like the other?

 

Hello to everyone in the Bluelight Community.

Last month, we tragically lost ketamania (you can visit her shrine remembrance post here).

This week, her fiancé posted an account of what happened which he wants everyone to read, especially those who use drugs and their loved ones.

I wanted to elevate this writing to our front page because it goes to the worst harm any of us can experience from drug use, as well as the harm reduction tools we can have at hand to help prevent fatal overdoses (naloxone, knowing the recovery position, being willing to seek help quickly), as well as supporting our friends who are seeking to maintain abstinence.

The toxic drug supply, especially in the North Americas, is also a huge factor in these deaths.

RIP Ashley. And thank you so much to Jose for sharing this

Santa Cruz Memorial Forest, run by Better Place Forests, is where Ashley has found eternal rest, and visitors can come to pay their respects. To ensure that ceremonies aren't disturbed and given the restricted parking, it's best to make an appointment before visiting.

 

Why hasn't this site taken off and gotten huge? I don't necessarily think it is the best site for people who are in recovery or who are trying to stop using substances, but I do see a major place for a forum like this to be in place for those who are going to use No Matter What. For those who have no convictions from faith or from their moral compass to influence their minds to stop. And also addicts will try all sorts of ways so they can use and have it become safer.
Some of the stuff I've read on here is absolutely impactful on so many levels. These pages show the true spirit of addicts and how they too have good hearts and aren't trying to always take. This site puts that on display. I just wish it were in the hands of a more driven originator or author. Or a board of people who want to help keep addicts alive so much that doing so has become the "sack" they chase. Just ideas. This could be big is all I'm saying. And by "big" I mean it could help save exponential lives and reduce so much more harm if it were run with a more "vigorous" approach.

All of the things you are speaking of are actually happening behind the scenes. Launch of new branding and approach happening very soon. We do now have a charity and a board of directors, and some funds, just can't do all the change all at once as we all have other day jobs. But I'm glad you can see the benefit of harm reduction. We want to continue to serve our mission and will do more in 2024 and beyond.

 

This confuses me. Perhaps it's because I've got high-functioning autism and take things literally, but what are the differences between the lines? I've been here for a long time and haven't had one addiction aside from self-harm and an eating disorder, from anorexia to binge eating disorder. So, the same could be said for other pages that are fill-in-the-blank disorder reduction but are run with a more "vigorous approach." Am I delusional or is one of these things not like the other?

Perhaps this commenter just means we could be doing more, promoting ourselves more, getting more people into the communities. I agree, and we already have plans in place for all of this. Just has been a lot of work behind the scenes before the community and the public can see the results!

 

Hello to everyone in the Bluelight Community.

Last month, we tragically lost ketamania (you can visit her shrine remembrance post here).

This week, her fiancé posted an account of what happened which he wants everyone to read, especially those who use drugs and their loved ones.

I wanted to elevate this writing to our front page because it goes to the worst harm any of us can experience from drug use, as well as the harm reduction tools we can have at hand to help prevent fatal overdoses (naloxone, knowing the recovery position, being willing to seek help quickly), as well as supporting our friends who are seeking to maintain abstinence.

The toxic drug supply, especially in the North Americas, is also a huge factor in these deaths.

RIP Ashley. And thank you so much to Jose for sharing this

If you didnt notice the foil until it was too late why were you constantly checking on her?

 

This confuses me. Perhaps it's because I've got high-functioning autism and take things literally, but what are the differences between the lines? I've been here for a long time and haven't had one addiction aside from self-harm and an eating disorder, from anorexia to binge eating disorder. So, the same could be said for other pages that are fill-in-the-blank disorder reduction but are run with a more "vigorous approach." Am I delusional or is one of these things not like the other?

Your reply is confusing to me. There are definitely vast differences between drug addiction and other disorders like anorexia or binge-eating. One is physically and mentally addictive. Being that if one stops taking certain drugs they will experience a physical and mental withdrawal. Cessation of eating disorders does not cause severe life-threatening withdrawals (to the extent that opiate, alcohol, benzo withdrawal)yet it can cause physical change and that can be interpreted as a withdrawal. There is a huge difference. So does that answer your question about "fill-in-the-blank"?

If you didnt notice the foil until it was too late why were you constantly checking on her?

 

Hello to everyone in the Bluelight Community.

Last month, we tragically lost ketamania (you can visit her shrine remembrance post here).

This week, her fiancé posted an account of what happened which he wants everyone to read, especially those who use drugs and their loved ones.

I wanted to elevate this writing to our front page because it goes to the worst harm any of us can experience from drug use, as well as the harm reduction tools we can have at hand to help prevent fatal overdoses (naloxone, knowing the recovery position, being willing to seek help quickly), as well as supporting our friends who are seeking to maintain abstinence.

The toxic drug supply, especially in the North Americas, is also a huge factor in these deaths.

RIP Ashley. And thank you so much to Jose for sharing this

Jose, ,

Agree so much. I would take it a step further tho, it's not that they are just choosing not to do something, the government literally created this crisis in my opinion and knowing our government's past history in other countries and even here in the US, I have a very hard time believing that there were no nefarious actors behind the scenes pulling the strings. I lived in South Florida during the pill mill days and it was insane, panic clinics on every corner, barely any regulation, pharmacies not yet tracking people filling multiple prescriptions all over town, hell pharmacies inside the pain clinics even. I had friends going to multiple doctors EVERY WEEK getting hundreds of perc 30s, hundreds of perc 15s, and 100 or more Xanax AT EACH APPOINTMENT. All you needed was an MRI of your back or neck showing any sign of a past injury or strain. How could it be possible that pharmacies were filling these narcotics at such a ridiculous rate but it took them years to catch on? Then they slowly started regulating it knowing all the people were addicted, cutting them off from their supply without considering the fact they would withdrawal, just cut off cold turkey, no option to go to rehab or any kind of help, and this was before the ACA mandated mental health be included in health insurance- so of course many of them would seek out street drugs which as far as opiates go your only real option is dope. I find it very hard to believe that as demand for heroin was increasing exponentially it's just a coincidence that fentanyl started creeping in. And when overdoses started skyrocketing that sat idly by, declaring the opioid epidemic but not doing a damn thing about it.

Add to that the government has hard evidence that the Sackler family and Pfizer intentionally covered up and lied about how addictive the drugs were, they have internal Pfizer emails from Sackler family members talking to other family members and employees talking about how they had to hide it bc it would hurt their profits. How is it that if someone sells me drugs, I overdose and the cops can prove who sold me the stuff that person can go to prison but the Sacklers got a tap on in the wrist and Pfizer is still turning huge profits?

Perfect storm + coincidence or was it some CIA-type operation justified by it would fight crime or some ish like that?

Sorry for such a long reply lol but I feel so strongly about this, I think it's outrageous.

I am a struggling recovering addict who started on pills, moved on to H and inevitably fentanyl. I have lost so many people who meant the world to me, I have trauma from narcaning and saving my husband like 9 times (he is now clean since July 1 2023 thank God ). I have been narcaned 4 times, 30+ days in rehab twice in the last 6 months with 2 relapses, detoxed at home starting New Year's Day and actually made it thru - all that hell and still I am struggling to stay away from it.

 

Thanks to Jose for sharing his lifesaving insights.

They are killing us on purpose with fentanyl at this point.

I don’t quite think most addicts realize it because we have been conditioned to feel so much shame and blame against ourselves. We accept that our demise is our fault and par for the course. It wasn’t always like this.

But seeing what has happened with fentanyl the past 8 years….and that the rejection of a safe drug supply or heroin clinics are not implemented. There is absolutely no other conclusion to arrive at except:

They are killing us on purpose.

Anyone that dares even take a puff of black market weed, a bump of coke; a teenagers 1st X pill. Fentanyl is in all of it and they’ve decided this is good and it should stay this way.

One thing is for sure, addiction has never gone anywhere and it never is going anywhere. It is in every single society and demographic on earth. The choice to have a drug supply full of fentanyl rather than pharmaceuticals is a choice society has made because they hate us.

They hate us, but we are their sons, daughters, fathers, mothers and siblings. Many ppl that are good, kind hard working contributors to society use drugs recreationally at some point and many are addicts that continue to be valued members of families and societies.

But society has decided to we deserve to be killed.

I don’t know how to convince anyone that is not an addict and doesn’t live in this prison called addiction. I’ve explained everything to my parents my spouse that are squares. They come to understand the problem and eventually agree with what I’ve described above; but nobody cares in the end if it’s not their problem.

Thing is…even if you never take a hit or a drink your whole life; the way this fentanyl thing is going it’s going to intersect with many square lives in one way or another. You relative will be dead. Your city is a dead wasteland of human suffering where people literally rot alive in your front yard. You get car jacked by someone keeping up with a habit that is $200 a day instead of legally $5 a day if it were legal.

The cycle of punishment and crushing addicts through the legal system breaking them down worse removing every reason they ever could have to try and get clean. Prohibition of certain drugs. It’s maddening. It feeds this thresher of hell that is fentanyl.

I think this is how the world is going to be and it breaks my heart that people want addicts dead. I don’t have hope it will change. Stopping is 100% not an option for many addicts and we have collectively decided their fate as humans. I’m ashamed to be human for so many reasons and I fantasize about some reckoning or civil rights movement that could change things for the addicted; but it’s just a pipe dream.

In the states at least, where for profit prison and healthcare are things, it's beneficial to some that we stay sick and incarcerated. Just saying.

 

I am still processing everything. I realized it has been over 3 months now, it feels like so much longer. I wanted to let everyone here 2 things. First, don't be afraid to reach out to me. Second, if you are in the area and want to visit Ash's final resting place, she is at Santa Cruz Memorial Forest. It is run by an organization called Better Place Forests. They do ask that appointments be made in advance to avoid interrupting any ceremonies that might be in progress. Peace and love to all.

Ashley Muller - Perspectives Photography

This photo hosted by SmugMug; your photos look better here.

www.ppcaphotos.com

 

In a strange way, ironic or otherwise, I'm afraid "killing us on purpose" is almost optimistic, compared to "they just don't care". "On purpose" supposes that the powers-that-be, and/or the public are paying some attention, I think it's more like a profound level of disregard. I mean, wealthy people get addicted. Wealthy kids are very likely to have some sort of substance abuse problem. And although there's "malibu" or "beverly hills" types of rehabs, they are just that much more likely to exploit addicts. For this to be the case, it's not just a willingness to let a group of people die. it's total uncaring for other people altogether, even neighbors, even... well, you get the picture, it's too depressing to think about much. And, I hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but "nitazines" are being synthesized and sold that are 4-20 times more potent than fentanyl. Yes, feel free to look it up, I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic. We are headed to a future where addicts will overdose and die in a very short period of time. And where weed isn't legal... well, things may get worse before they get better.