I regret money spent on certain drugs, like methadone. It got me terribly physically addicted and I was sick and tired of it psychologically, I didn't really have to take it if I managed to go through never-ending withdrawal 2.5 years later of daily use. Maybe today I would live totally free, and after quitting methadone it was so bad that I almost completely relapsed, but my doctor got me on Suboxone which I'm hooked on now on the other hand, and I became sick and tired of it too, an addiction to a drug that doesn't make you feel better at all, sky-rocketing your opioid tolerance, so in the future if you break your leg or suffer from cancer pain, even a shitload of morphine might not help the pain, and bupe definitely won't help an ex-addict, pain is in the mind, so the euphoric part of full agonists effects helps the pain a lot.
I also do regret money spent on other opioids, but at some point in my life I just needed to stop caring about the world around me, otherwise I might just as well be dead now. And also as opioids got me through the hardest part of my life, teenage, I could face a lot of things that could destroy me mentally and but I learned not to care, like I learned not to care about girls who make of themselves worse than prostitutes, about two-faced people, about people who think they're better while they're not and a lot lot more. However, it didn't make all these things magically disappear, because they're completely independent of me and my attitude. I can't help it how people have less and less values. And no drug will ever change my REALITY, I value myself for that I will never cease to see the world in my own way and will never under any circumstances start acting conformist. It's sad, but all I can do is just snap out of reality only for some time, dissociate myself completely, and be in my world where there's no place for immorality. If I could be in that world forever and start believing it was the real world, I would definitely prefer to live there. I guess I would then be much less lonely. It's so hard to be so much love and intimacy needing when you start believing there isn't a single girl who would put my love and caring over some materialistic... shit.
So while I regret, I know I would have done the same, because I couldn't bear it. I still can't and frankly speaking if my opioid use wasn't so hurting to my mum, at times I think I would become an addict for my whole life and this time fully aware of it. First of all I'm human, I need other people, but other people around me with only a few exceptions scare me with how they have no morality, and I can't be romantically involved with a family member, and the absence of people who died who I cared for and who cared for me makes me have no hope.
